A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach.
She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says „Oh! You’re going to have triplets.
They’re fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don’t worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.“
As time goes on the woman has three children. Two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says „Mommy, I’ve done a very
weird thing!“. Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies „I passed a bullet into the toilet“. The woman comforts her and explains all about the
accident at the bank.
A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. „Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!“, the mother says „Let me guess.
You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?“. The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says „Yes. How did you know?“. The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.
A month later the boy comes up and says „Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!“. „You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?“ „No, I was masturbating and I shot the
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, „I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you
open them up, everything inside is numbered.“
The second responds, „Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.“
The third surgeon says, „No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.“
The fourth surgeon chimes in: „You know, I like pipefitters …those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes
longer than you said it would.“
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: „You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart,and no spine, and the
head and butt are interchangeable.“
Q. What’s the difference between an oral and an anal thermometer?
A. The taste…
I got this little story from someone:
As I was sitting in the lobby of a small hotel, I heard a trucker say to the maid:“ Hey, Opal, I’d like a little pussy.“ Without missing a heartbeat she replied:“So would I. Mine’s as big as a bucket.“
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, „I’m sorry to bother you but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket.“
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, „I’ve got a better idea…just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.“
The woman thinks for moment.
„Why not“, she giggles.
„Great!“, he replies, „Get your own Fucking blanket!“
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into the branch and wrote „this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny
in this bag.“ While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After
waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest
light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because
it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip. He would either have to fill
out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat
defeated, the man said, „OK“ and left.
The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes
later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a gorgeous redhead.
„Can I buy you a drink?“ he asks.
„Sure, but it won’t do you any good, I’m a lesbian.“
„No way“ says the man, „No woman as good looking as you could be a lesbian.“
To which the woman replies „Oh yeah? See that brunette sitting at the end of the bar? I’d love nothing more than to get between her legs and lick her till she can’t walk.
The red head looks at the man, who now has tears streaming down his face. „I’m sorry,“ she says, „did I offend you?“
„No“ the man sobs, „but I think I’m a lesbian too!“
A guy comes home from the pub one night and arrives home
to find a small panda sitting on his doorstep looking at him forlornly.
„Ah, poor little fella, come on in.“ says the guy.
The panda follows him in and as soon as the door is closed it rushes to the fridge,
opens it and starts guzzling all the food. In about five seconds flat it has
cleaned the fridge out. It runs to the sofa and begins masturbating furiously.
The guy watches in disgust as the panda pops its fat all over his sofa,
opens a window, jumps out and runs off down the street.
The guy starts wondering about this strange behavior and looks up ‚panda‘ in his encyclopedia.
The definition is ‚Small bear-like creature which eats shoots and leaves‘.
Three door-to-door vacuum-cleaner salesmen show up at a farmhouse one
afternoon and the kindly farmer agreed to buy a vacuum from each if they’ll
keep their hands off his *VIRGINAL* daughter while he’s at the bank getting
the money. But when he gets back, he finds *ALL* *THREE* on top of his daughter.
Pissed off, he fires a shotgun blast over their heads, marches them out to the
garden and tells them each to pick TEN of any fruit or vegetable.
The first salesman comes forward with ten peas. „Shove them up you ass,“ orders the farmer.
The second guy turns up with ten tomatoes and gets the same order.
He has some trouble getting them in, especially as he keeps cracking up with laughter,
but finally gets the job done. „You’re free to go,“ the farmer says to him,
„but do you mind if I ask what’s SO damn funny?“ Collapsing with laughter once again,
the salesman says, „The third guy is still out there, picking WATERMELONS.“
Guy goes to a doctor and says, „Doc, you’ve got to help me. My penis is orange.“
Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check.
Damned if the guy’s penis isn’t orange. Doc tells the guy, „This is very strange.
Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person’s life.“
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy,
„How are things going at work?“ The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago.
The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, „No.
The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week
and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks
ago where I can set my own hours, I’m getting paid double what I got on the
old job and the boss is a really great guy.“ So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, „Do you have any hobbies or a social life?“ The guy replies, „No, not really.
Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos.“
A man goes to Africa to go hunting for apes. Unfortunately,
he doesn’t know a thing about hunting so he hires a Zulu tribesman
to assist him. The tribesman says he needs a a wild dog,
and a rifleman. The man hires them and goes off to hunt.
When they spot an ape, the Zulu climbs
the tree and starts to shake the branch and the ape falls
to the ground. The dog runs over to the ape and bites it on the
balls whereupon the ape faints in agony.
„Why do we need a rifleman?“ asks the man.
„You’ll see, just be patient.“ says the Zulu.
They come upon another ape, and again the same thing happens.
„I don’t see why we need the rifleman!“ exclaims the city man.
„You’ll see, just be patient.“ replies the Zulu.
They come upon a third ape swinging in a tree. The Zulu climbs the tree and
shakes the branch. The ape swings his arm and knocks the Zulu to the ground.
„SHOOT THE DOG! SHOOT THE DOG!“
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon
and were getting undressed together for the first time.
He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all
twisted and discolored. „What happened to you feet?“
his wife asked. „I had a childhood disease called tolio.“
„Don’t you mean polio?“ „No, tolio, it only affects the toes.“
He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.
„What happened to your knees?“ she asked. „Well, I also had kneesles.“
„Don’t you mean measles?“ „No, kneesles, it only affects the knees.
“ When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said,
„Don’t tell me, you also had smallcox!“
A young man went to visit an old friend of the family. The old farmer had just moved into his new
farm house after the old house had burned. While sitting on the porch the young man notices an
old hog limp by. The hog had a prosthetic hip and an artificial leg.
„That’s the mangiest old hog I have ever seen. Why do you keep him around?“, asks the young
The farmer says, „Son, that thar is the finest hog in the whole world.“
„Fine?“ exclaims the young man. „What could possibly be fine about a hog like that?“
„Son“, the farmers says, „About three yar ago one of the youngin’s got real sick in the middle of
the night. That old hog broke down the front door and ran ups the stairs squeelin‘ his fool head
off. Woke me and the missus up and we got the boy to ol‘ Doc Simpson and he didn’t die!!“ „I
see“, says the young man. „The hog got hurt breaking down the door.“
„No“, says the farmer. „The hog didn’t get hurt none“.
„I don’t understand how the hog got hurt then“, says the young man.
„Well, you see, about a yar ago that ol‘ wood stove in the sittin‘ room plum split open in the
middle of the night and caught the house a fire. That old hog jumped right through the front plate
glass windar, ran upin‘ them stair, broke down our door squeelin‘ his fool head off. Woke me and
the missus up and we got the childrin’s out before that ol‘ house burnt plum to the ground … and
we didn’t die!!“
„Now I understand“, the young man says. „The pig got cut on the broken glass.“
„No“, says the farmer. „The hog didn’t get hurt none“. By now the young man has lost his patience.
„Are you going to tell me what happen to that old hog?“
The farmer says in a very firm voice, „Son, I dun tol you that that thar is the finest hog in the whole
world!! And when a man such as my self is PRIVILEGED enough to own a FINE hog like that …
well … you just don’t eat him all at once!!“
A 75-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, „Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow.“
The next day the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: „Well, doc, it’s like this…First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.“
The doctor was shocked! „You asked your neighbor?“
The old man replied, „Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the DARN jar open!“
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, „Jesus is watching you.“
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, „Jesus is watching you.“
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
„Did you say that?“ he hissed at the parrot.
„Yep,“ the parrot confessed, then squawked, „I’m just trying to warn you.“ The burglar relaxed. „Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?“
„Moses,“ replied the bird.
„Moses?“ the burglar laughed. „What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?“
The bird promptly answered, „Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus.“
One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, „God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa.“ The father thought this was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or so later, the father again heard his son’s prayers,“God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy.“ The next day, the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation.
Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, „God bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy.“ This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He stayed in his office all day.
Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with his wife and apologized. „I’m sorry honey, I had a really bad day.“ „You had a bad day?“ his wife yelled. „The mailman dropped dead on the porch this morning!“
To: My Boss
Subject: Changing calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven’t misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion.
The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant!
A highway patrol officer pulled over a woman and asked her for her licence and registration. As she was fishing them out of her purse..she looked up at him and
asked what she’d done wrong.
„You didn’t come to a full stop at that stop sign“ he said.
„Well..I DID slow down“ she replied.
„Yes, but you did NOT come to a full and complete stop“
„No, but slowing down should be ok..I mean..“
As she was arguing..the cop opened her car door, pulled her out of the vehicle..and turned her over his knee.. and started to spank her as hard as he could… after a
minute..the cop says to her..
„So, do you want me to STOP..or just slow down?“
A guy, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they got into the habit
of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep
started looking better and better to the man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the
three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy had
ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get „those feelings“ again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in,
cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear…
„Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?“
A long one today:
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, „I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.“ The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, „If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.“ And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
„I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.“ The young son replied, „Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?“ The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, „Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?“ And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, „Why not THIRTY times in a row?“
Finally, she said, „Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.“ Then the young son asked,
„Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?“
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only thing on the island was the tall coconut tree that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, Wow! I can’t believe my eyes! I don’t believe this is true! The lawyer on the ground was skeptical, and said, „I think you are hallucinating and you should come down right now.“
So the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed for their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, out of the surf, comes walking this naked blonde woman. The two lawyers ran down to greet her. As they’re running down the beach, the one said to the other, you know we’ve been on this island for months now, without a woman.
It’s been a long time…do you think we’ll get the opportunity to screw her ? The other lawyer glanced out the totally naked woman and asked. Out of what?
Mabel walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in corner with a sign on them saying: ‚5 Boxes for $1.00‘
Well, Mabel just could not believe the price so she asked the clerk if it was correct.
He said, „Oh yes, five boxes of tampons for only a dollar.“
Mabel said, „That just can’t be right!“
The clerk said, „Yes lady, it is right! 5 boxes for a dollar… no strings attached.
A prostitute visiting Australia goes to a bar and sits down beside a Koala bear. She was bored so she asks the Koala bear if he’d like a little action. The Koala bear agrees and they check into a hotel room. She gets undressed and lies on the bed.
The Koala immediately goes down on her, then gets up and jerks himself off all over her and then quickly heads for the door. The prostitute says:“Wait a minute. Where do you think you’re going?
Aren’t you forgetting something?“
The Koala say:“Like what?“.
The prostitute says: „I’m a prostitute. Look it up in the dictionary“ The Koala looks it up…“.PROSTITUTE: one who earns money by engaging in sexual relations with others for a fee“
He then says to the prostitute:“Well, I’m Koala bear. Look that up in the dictionary.“
She does and it says “ KOALA: a furry marsupial, native to Australia; eats bush, shoots and leaves.“
One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and he accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and saved him and dragged him to shore.
He was so thankful that he told each of them, „Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward.“
The first boy says, „I want to go to Disneyland!“ „I’ll take you there myself!!!“ exclaims Bill.
The second boy says, „I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordan’s.“ „I’ll buy them for you myself,“ says Bill.
„And I want a wheelchair… “ the third boy says.
The president looks at the boy and says, „But son you don’t look like you are handicapped to me.“
The boy says, „I’m going to be when my dad finds out I saved Bill Clinton from drowning!!“
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said, „You’d better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do; he’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off.“ But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, „Don’t worry Mum, I’ve got it covered.“
So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said „You shouldn’t be out tonight Little
Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do if he catches you. He’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck
your little red socks off.“ So she pulled out the shotgun and said, „Don’t worry boys. Got it covered!“
As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, „You shouldn’t have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know
what I’m going to do? I’m going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off.“
So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said…
„NO! You’re going to eat me like the book says.“
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, A Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill 3 Wishes for her.
„Well,“ said the woman, „I guess I’d like to be rich.“
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
„And I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young and beautiful princess.“
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess with a priceless crown of jewels.
„Your third wish?“ asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman’s Dog raised his head and uttered a single, weak, hoarse „woof.“
„Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?“
POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, „I’ll bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.“
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: „I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, you Asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person….because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large. All in the name
of humor.“ Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up:
„You stay out of this, Mister!! I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!“
A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims,“I don’t have any money… but I’ll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!“
To that the man asks, „Anything?“
And the blonde says, „Yes…. ANYTHING!!“ With that the man says, „Follow me!“
He walks into the next room and tells her, „Come in and close the door.“
She does this and then he says, „Get on your knees.“She does. He then says, „Take down my zipper.“ She does.Then he says, „Go ahead, take it out.“
With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, „Well, go ahead!!“ She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very close to her lips, she says, „HELLO, MOM?“
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight
was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself „I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.“
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat
was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the
road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned
to the other woman and said, „Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!
Mildred turned to her and said „Oh, am I driving?“
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One
woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. „I’m too young to die!“ she wails. Then she yells, „Well, if I’m going to die, I want my
last minutes on Earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?“ For a moment there is silence. Everyone has
forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. „I can make you
feel like a woman,“ he says. He is gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one
button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt, muscles ripple across his chest as
he reaches her, and he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman and says: „Iron this.“
RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW
1. Crying is blackmail.
2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument..
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up put it down.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Sunday = Sports
18. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
23. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says „I love you“ like sex.
This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
INTERVIEWER: „So, General Reinwald, what things areyou going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?“
GENERAL REINWALD: ‚We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.“
INTERVIEWER: „Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?“
GENERAL REINWALD: „I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.“
INTERVIEWER: „Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?“
GENERAL REINWALD: „I don’t see how, we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm.“
INTERVIEWER: „But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.“
GENERAL REINWALD: „Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?“
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands. Then say, „boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters“. Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven’s Gate waiting on St.
Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him.
St. Peter said, „I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has asked. „Let me go find out.“ and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer…for a couple of
months… and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
„What if it doesn’t work?“ they wondered, „Are we stuck together forever?“
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. „Yes,“ he informed the couple, „you can get married in Heaven.“
„Great,“ said the couple, „but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?“
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
„What’s wrong?“, asked the frightened couple.
„COME ON!“ St. Peter shouted, „It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?“
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. „I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,“ she said. „What’s your secret for a long happy
life?“ „I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,“ he said. „I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.“ „That’s amazing,“ said the
woman, „how old are you?‘ „Twenty-six,“ he said.
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face
down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse’s rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to
his surprise, music began playing „On the road again… Just can’t wait to get on the road again…“ The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum.
The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. „Look at this. This is really something!“ the student told the
examiner as he pulled the cork back out again. „On the road again… Just can’t wait to get on the road again…“
„So what?“, the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student’s discovery. „But isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?“ asked the
„Are you kidding?“ replied the Examiner, „Any asshole can sing country music.“
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears her husband’s car in
the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well. Inside the closet, the boy says, „It’s dark in here, isn’t it?“
„Yes, it is“, the lover replies.
„You wanna buy a baseball?“ the little boy asks.
„No thanks“ the man replies.
„I think you do want to buy a baseball…“, the boy says. „OK, how much?“ the man replies after considering the situation he is in.
„Twenty five dollars“, the little boy replies.
„TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!“ the man repeats, but complies to keep him quiet.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places the lover in the closet with her little boy.
„It’s dark in here, isn’t it?“, the boy starts off.
„Yes, it is“, the man replies.
„Wanna buy a baseball glove?“ the little boy asks. „OK, how much?“ the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
„Fifty dollars“, the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the boy’s father says „Hey son, Get your baseball and glove and we’ll play some catch.“
„I can’t. I sold them.“, replies the little boy.
„How much did you get for them?“, asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards or candy.
„Seventy-five dollars“, the boy says.
„SEVENTY-FIFE DOLLARS? That’s thiefery! I’m taking you to the church right now. you must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness“, the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down and says, „It’s dark in here, isn’t it?“
„Don’t you start that shit in here,“ the priest says.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. „I’m not getting out of bed at this time,“ he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. „Aren’t you going to answer that?“ says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. „Hi there,“ slurs the stranger, „can you give me a push??“ „No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed,“ says the man and He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, „Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??“ „It doesn’t matter,“ says „He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him,“ So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: „Hey, do you still want a push??“ and he hears a voice cry out „Yeah please.“ So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: „Where are you?“ And the stranger replies: „I’m over here, on your swing.“
Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 1995-10-10:
#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
#1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US
NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
#2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.
A woman is at the doctor’s and says: „Doctor, I got this major headache!“. The doctor replies: „Doesn’t matter, I wasn’t planning on having sex with you anyway“
Maria is a devoted Catholic. She gets married and has 7 children. Then her husband dies.
She remarries two weeks later, and has 8 children by her next husband. Then he dies.
A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, „At last, they’re finally together.“
A guy sitting in the front row says, „Excuse me father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or do you mean her and her second husband?“
The priest says, „No, I mean her legs.“
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his
remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself
down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there,
spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love
from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the
cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when
it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
„Stay out of those,“ she said, „they’re for the funeral.“
This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the
box…it says….“Snatch Eating Frogs..$20 each (instructions included)“She looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers to the man behind the
counter… „I’ll take one.“He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. When she gets home, she takes out the instructions and
reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do.
1. Take a shower.
2. Put on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Put on a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down „there“.
To her surprise, nothing happens. She thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume. She gets
back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and…nothing. She’s totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there
might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, „If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.“
So, she does. The man from behind the counter says, „I’ve had a few complaints earlier today, I’ll be right over.“ After the man got to her house the woman says,
„See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.“ The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its
eyes and says, „I’M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!“
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to
congratulate the fellow saying“ This is amazing. How do you do it at you age?“ he answered“ You’ve got to keep that old motor running.“ The folllowing year she
gave birth again. The same nurse said “ You realy are amazing. How do you do it?“ He again said „You’ve got to keep the old motor running.“ The same thing
happened again the next year. The nurse said “ You must be quite the man.“ He responded “ You’ve got to keep the old motor running.“ The nurse then said, “ Well,
you had better change the oil, this ones black.“
A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter greeted him at the gate and told the cat that he could
have anything in the whole world that he wanted. The cat told him that all he wanted was a big,
white, fluffy pillow. The pillow appeared next to the cat and he was on his way with his new
About three days later, four mice died and came to heaven. Once again, St. Peter greeted the
mice and told them that they could have anything in the whole world. The mice thought about it
and then told him that they were sick of being chased by cats that were so much faster than them,
so they each wanted a pair of roller skates. The skates appeared next to them and they put them
on. They skated away looking happy.
Three or four days later St. Peter came across the cat laying on his big, white, fluffy pillow. St.
Peter asked how he was enjoying animal heaven and the cat said that it was great and he really
enjoyed his new pillow. The cat added „. . . and by the way, thanks for the meals on wheels
you’ve been sending me!“
A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back
gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.
He grabs her, yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her
and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to
Her friend visits her the next day and asked, „Are you hurt?“
She replied, „Of course I’m hurt; He hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!“
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car — both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went
on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself „I must be losing it; I could have
sworn we just went through a red light,“
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again
they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and
decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and
she turned to the other woman and said, „Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red
lights in a row! You could have killed us!“
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial—a grand motherly,
elderly woman. He approached her and asked, „Mrs. Jones, do you know me?“ She responded,
„Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And
frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you
haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you.“
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked,
„Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?“ She again replied, „Why, yes I do. I’ve
known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. He, too,
has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man
can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the
entire state. Yes, I know him.“
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, „If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be
jailed for contempt!“
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
Blonde, „I’m on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.“
Psychiatrist, „Don’t you have a phone in your car?“
Blonde, „That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.“
Psychiatrist, „Uh … How’s that working?“
Blonde, „Actually, I haven’t gotten any letters yet.“
Psychiatrist, „And why do you think that is?“
Blonde, „I figure its because when I’m driving around, my zip code keeps changing.“
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a
moment. The woman notices this and asks, „Is your date running late?“ „No“, he replies, „I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.“ The
intrigued woman says, „A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?“ It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,“ he explains. „What’s it telling you
now?“ „Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties…“ The woman giggles and replies, „Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!“ The man
explains, „Damn thing must be an hour fast.“
Betty is hired to play her trumpet on the score of a movie, and she’s excited. She’s especially thrilled because she got to take two long solos. After the sessions,
which went great, Betty can’t wait to see the finished product. She asked the producer where and when he could catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer
explained that the music was for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he told Betty where she can go to see it. A month later, Betty , with her collar up and
wearing dark sunglasses, went to the theatre where the picture is playing. She walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be
disguised and hiding. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever…group sex, S&M, golden showers…and then, halfway through, a dog
got in on the action. Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women – in every orifice – and most of the men. Embarrassed, Betty turned
to the old couple and whispered, „I’m only here for the music.“ The woman turned to Betty and whispered back, „That’s okay, we’re here to see our dog.“
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
1 bar of soap
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, „So, you single?“
The woman replies very sarcastically, „How did you guess?“
He replies, „Because you’re fucking ugly“.
A woman complained to her Doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore. He gave her a bottle of Viagra pills, telling her to put them in her husband’s drink
and her husband would be recharged. The woman was filled with doubt, but she put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made love. The next night she
put two viagra’s in his coffee and that night the sex was ecstatic.
The next night she said „What the hell!“ and dumped the whole bottle in his coffee. Sometime later the Doctor called to check on his patient’s progress. The woman’s
son answered the phone. When the Doctor asked how everyone was doing, the boy replied,
„Mom’s dead, Sis left home, the maid’s pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad is buck naked in the yard yelling, „Here, kitty, kitty.“
A guy arrives at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted. St. Peter says to the guy, „I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what: if you can tell me one REALLY good deed that you did, you’re in.“
So the guy says, „Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang’s leader – a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear. „Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron,
yelled to the rest of them, „You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! GO HOME BEFORE I TEACH YOU ALL A LESSON IN PAIN!'“
Impressed, St. Peter says, „Really? When did this happen?“
„Oh, about two minutes ago.“
An old geezer was watching television when he screamed to his wife, „Get in here right now. You won’t believe the perverted thing they’re showing on TV.“ His wife
took one look, then said, „Put your glasses on, you old goat. That’s just Castro eating a banana.“
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, the devil tells him he has three choices for how to spend the rest of eternity. So the man walks down this long corridor and looks into a door labeled „1“. Inside, there are a bunch of people standing on their heads on rocks. They’re all moaning in pain and it’s all very unpleasant. Door number to reveals once again a bunch of people standing on their heads on diamonds, which is MUCH more painful. Door number three however, has a bunch of people standing up to their knees in shit, holding a cup of coffee and and muffin! The shit is obviously a small price to pay for this relaxed eternity, and the man tells the devil he’ll take the third choice. Inside, he get’s a coffee and and a muffin, but before he can start eating the devil says „Ok everyone, coffee breaks over! Back on your heads!“
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, „We have special requirements for
new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.“
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, „Were you able to abstain from sex for the two
weeks?“ The old man replied, „No problem at all, Pastor.“ „Congratulations! Welcome to the church!“ said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, „Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?“ The man replied, „The first week was not too
bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.“ „Congratulations! Welcome to the church!“ said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, „Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?“
„No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks?“ ,the young man replied sadly.
„What Happened?“ inquired the pastor.
My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right
„You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,“ stated the pastor.
„We figured that,“ said the young man, „we’re not welcome at Home Depot anymore either.“
Bob rents an apartment in New York and goes to the lobby to put his name on the mailbox. While he’s there, an attractive young lady wearing a robe comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes.
Bob smiles at her and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite obvious that she has nothing on underneath. Poor Bob breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, „Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…“ He follows her into the apartment and after she closes the door she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, „What would you say is my best feature?“
The flustered, embarrassed Bob stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, „Oh, it’s got to be your ears!“ She’s astounded! „Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don’t sag, and they’re all mine! My butt – it’s firm and has no cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars. Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!“ Clearing his throat once again, Bob stammers: „Outside when you said you heard someone coming . . . . That was me!!!“
A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The
doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, „I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..“. He is interrupted by the doctor,
„And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear“.
„Yes! Exactly! How did you know?“
„Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the
scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the
pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes“. Two weeks go by and the man is
back, „Well, how do you feel?“
„Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.“
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady
sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked, „Are you a real cowboy?“
„Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences… I guess I am,“ replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
„I’ve never been on a ranch so I know I’m not a cowboy,“ said the young woman, „but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get
up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women.“
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, „Are you a real cowboy?“
„I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.“
In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, „Children, if you could
have one raw material in the world what would it be?“
Little Richie raised his hand and said „I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.“
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said „I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette.“
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, „I would want silicon.“
The teacher said, „Why Johnny?“
He responded by saying, „because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!“
Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately. The robbers expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash
and valuables were more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank. The first safe’s combination was cracked, and
inside the robbers found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. „Well,“ said one robber to another, „at least we got a bit to eat.“
They open up the second safe and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding, and the process continued until all the safes were opened and there was not one
dollar, a diamond, or an ounce of gold to be found. Instead, all the safes contained containers of pudding.
Disappointed, each of the mobsters made a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.
The following morning, a Dublin newspaper headline read:
„IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. The guy says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
The first one walks up with a guitar. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. „Ha!“ the man said.
„Can’t you play it?“
The octopus looks up at the man and says, „Play it? I’m going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off!!!!“
8 year old little Mary and her mother are walking through the mall together one day. „Mommy,“ says the little Mary, „how old are you?“ „Why not?“ demands the child.
„Well, that is something you will understand one day when you’re grown-up.“
„Mommy,“ asks Mary again, „how much do you weigh?“
„Never mind,“ answers the mother.
„Why can’t you tell me?“
„Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh. This is something you will learn and understand someday.“
„Mommy,“ insists the child, „can you tell me why you and Daddy got divorced?“
„Darling,“ responds the mother in exasperation, „that’s something still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can’t talk about it now.“
A few days later, Little Mary recounts this conversation to a friend at school. The friend explains how to overcome these problems… „All you have to do is get your mother’s driver’s license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it like a report card and it’ll give you anything you need.“
So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into her mother’s room while her Mom was cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the drivers license. After examining it carefully she walks up to her mother and says, „I know how old you are! You are 35!“
The mother is very surprised. „And, I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136 pounds, right?“ The mother is shocked. „And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.“ The mother, dumb founded asked, „Why?“
„It’s because you got an F in sex.“
A couple take their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, „Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?“
„That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear,“ she replies.
„No, Mom. Down underneath.“ The mother blushes and says, „Oh, that. That’s nothing.“
The boy’s father returns, and his mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.
„That’s the elephant’s trunk, son,“ his father answers.
„Dad, I know what a trunk is. What’s the thing down there?“
His father looks and says, „Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis.“
„Dad,“ the boy says, „how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?“
His father takes a deep breath and explains, „Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.“
Dave’s friends came up to him after work one day and asked him to go out for a beer with them. Dave replied „No, I can’t. My wife gets really pissed if I come home late.“ Dave’s friend said „When you get home, just go slide beneath the sheets, pull her panties down and give her oral sex.“
So Dave goes out with his friends and has a great time. When he comes home hours later, he goes into his room and slides beneath the sheets. He pulls down her panties and begins to give her oral sex. She starts to moan and groan.
After awhile, Dave tells her that he has to go take a leak and for her to wait there. When Dave gets to the bathroom he’s stunned to see his wife sitting on the john.
„How did you get here?“ he asked. „Shhhh,“ she replied. „My Mom is sleeping.“
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, „Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven.“
Davidson thinks about it and says, „I wanna hang out with God, Himself.“
The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, „Hey, aren’t you the inventor of Woman?“
God says, „Ah, yes.“
„Well,“ says Davidson, „You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There’s too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.“
„Hmmm…“ replies God, „hold on.“
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.
„It may be that my invention is flawed,“ God replies to Arthur Davidson, „but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours.“
A woman goes into a shoe store to buy some shoes. While the salesman is trying a pair of shoes on her feet he notices that the woman is not wearing any panties. He says „if you fill that up with ice cream I’ll eat it.“ The woman runs home, tells her husband and says to him “ go down to that shoe store and beaat him up.“ He tells her no. She says why not? He tells her one you have more shoes in the closet than you can wear. Two you have no business running around town not wearing any panties. Three I’m not going to fuck with anybody that can eat that much ice cream…
A guy works a new job. One Monday he calls in and says, ‚I can’t come in today. I’m sick.‘ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‚I can’t come in today. I’m sick.‘
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, ‚He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.‘ So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, ‚You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?‘
The guy says, ‚No, I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she’s all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I’m fucking her.‘
The boss says, „You fuck your sister?“
The guy says, „Hey, I told you I was sick.“
The President got off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said: „Nice
The President replied: „These are not pigs,these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea. „
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, „Nice trade, sir.“
A guy bought some grass and went into toilet in his house to smoke it. Well he took first shoot. The light flashed.
-WOW ! thats a good stuff
So he took a second shoot, light flashed.
-Man this stuff is ass kicking !!
So he took third shoot. And light flashed again.
Than he heard knocking on the toilet door .
-John whatta hell r u doing in there ?
-Im taking a shit mum.
-Three days in a row ????????
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator car.
The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of factly,“ It looks like cum.“
The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims „Yes, and it smells like cum“
The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims, „Well, it’s nobody from our building.“
„My First Time“
The sky was dark.
The moon was high.
Just her and I.
Her hair was so soft,
And her eyes so blue.
I knew just what,
She wanted to do.
Her skin was so soft,
Her legs so fine.
I ran my fingers,
Down her spine.
I didn’t know how,
But I tried my best.
To place my hand,
On her breasts.
I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart.
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart!!!
And when she did it,
I felt no shame.
All at once,
The white stuff came!
At last it’s finished.
It’s all over now.
My first time…..
Milking a cow!
One day, Timmy was in his backyard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him, says, „Hey, Timmy, what are you doing that for?“
Timmy replies, „My goldfish died and I’m burying him.“
The neighbor notes, „Well, that’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, don’t you think?“
Timmy glares back. „No, my goldfish is inside your cat.“
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, „We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.“ The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, „Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?“ The old man replied, „No problem at all, Pastor.“
„Congratulations! Welcome to the church!“ said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, „Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?“ The man replied, „The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.“ „Congratulations! Welcome to the church!“ said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, „Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?“ „No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,“ the young man replied sadly.
„What happened?“ inquired the pastor.
„My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.“
„You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,“ stated the pastor.
„We know,“ said the young man, „We’re not welcome at Home Depot anymore either.“
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune
teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a
crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. „There’s no easy way to
say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your
husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.“
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the
fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
-„Will I be acquitted?“
A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper.
After weeks of training the young got to jump out of his first plane. The
man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump
he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young
man, „IF YOU DON’T JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE I’LL STICK MY
DICK UP YOUR ASS!“ A few weeks later the young man returned
home and told his father what happened and he said, „did you jump?“
The boy said,“ A little at first!“
There once was a guy that was sitting in a bar drinking beer by the
shot glass all day long. When the bar was ready to close the bartender
asked him why he had been there all day. He told the man he was
celebrating a blow job. the bartender said, „Well, in that case have a
free one on me.“ „Thanks,“ the man replied, „because if this doesn’t
get the taste out of my mouth nothing will.“
A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, the doctor notices a red ‚H‘ on her chest. „How did you get that
mark on your chest?“ asks the doctor. „Oh, my boyfriend went to
Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard
sweatshirt, even when we make love,“ she replies. A couple of days
later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse,
he notices a blue ‚Y‘ on her chest. „How did you get that mark on your
chest?“ asks the doctor. „Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so
proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we
make love,“ she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in
for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ‚M‘ on
her chest. „Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?“ asks the doctor.
„No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?“
A old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went
into the nurses‘ office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.
Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to
play along with him.“It did? I’m sorry to hear that,“ she replied. Two
days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home
with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and
said „Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died“. „It did“ he
replied; „today is the viewing“
Two guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of
them throws up all over himself. „Aw man, my wife is going to kill me
when she sees this,“ he says. His buddy replies, „Don’t worry about it.
That happened to me before. Here’s what you do. Put a $20 bill in
your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk
threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning,
OK?“ „All right, I’ll try it.“ So he goes home and his wife immediately
starts bitching about his suit. „Now look what you’ve done to yourself!!“
„No, no, honey,“ he slurs back. „Some drunk guy puked on me, but he
gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned.“ With that he
reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table. His wife
looks at it and says, „I thought that you said he only gave you one $20.
How come there are two Twenties here?“ The man slurs back, „He
shit in my pants, too.“
An important senator arranges to use an escort service (high-class
prostitution) and winds up with this beautiful Japanese girl who
speaks little English, but hey, he wasn’t in the mood for conversation
anyway. So they get at it, and she gets into it like no woman he’s ever
seen! She starts yelling this Japanese word and making faces and he
can tell he’s driving her crazy! He’s never had it so good. So the next
morning, he’s golfing with the Japanese ambassador, and he makes
a birdie. He suddenly remembers the word that the woman yelled at
what must have been the moment of climax the night before, and he
yells it out. The ambassador looks at him rather oddly, looks at the pin,
and says, „no, that was the right hole…“
There’s a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a
few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the
crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase
significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just
provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma.
She calls the woman’s husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and
he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into
the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door.
Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming
that all of his wife’s vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs
a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not
worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had
sought to save, asked the man what had happened.
„I’m not sure, but I think she choked“.
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst
health problems. The seventy-year old said, „have I got a problem.
Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss but I have to
stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out.“
„Heck, that’s nothing,“ said the eighty-year old. „Every morning at 8:30
I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of
my constipation. It’s terrible.
„You think you’ve got problems,“ said the Ninety-year old. Every
morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig.
The trouble with me is that I don’t wake up until 11:30.
What are the five worst things about being a penis?
1 – you have a hole in your head.
2 – you have a permanent ring-around-the-collar.
3 – your next-door neighbors are two nuts and an asshole.
4 – your best friend is a cunt.
5 – every time you get excited, you throw up.
There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The
president realizes it’s time to promote one of them, but they’re all so
competent he’s not sure which to choose. So he devises a little test.
One day while they’re all at lunch, he places $800 on each of their
#1 returns it to him immediately.
#2 invests in the market and returns $1500 to him the next morning.
#3 pockets the money.
Who got the promotion?
The one with the big tits.
What is in the air in San Francisco that keeps women from getting
pregnant? Men’s legs.
What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him.
A man went into a bar after work one day, and after a few beers he
noticed a man passed out in the corner. After an hour or so the fellow
was still very drunk and incoherant, so, being a nice guy, the first man
decided to take him home. He looked up the drunk’s address in his
wallet, then started struggling to get the man out to his car. Dragging,
heaving, and finally carrying him over his shoulder, he finally reached
his car, then proceeded to repeat the process in front of the drunk’s
house. When he rang the door bell a pleasant looking woman
„Oh, thank you so much for bringing him home,“ she said. „But
where’s his wheelchair?“
Did you hear about the little boy that was asked by his parents what he
wanted for his birthday? „I wanna watch.“ So they let him.
What do a dildo and tofu have in common?
They are both a meat substitute
What’s the ultimate rejection? When you are masturbating and your
hand falls asleep.
Two women are sitting on a park bench smoking. It starts to rain. The
first woman’s cigarette gets soggy and burns out. The second,
however, unraveled a condom, put it over the cigarette, and it stayed
dry. The first woman, liking this idea, runs out to the nearest drug store
to buy a condom. The cashier asks her „What size?“ „Oh, one big
enough to fit a camel“
There’s this sailor who is stranded on a deserted island… Anyway he
thought it was deserted, when he gets captured by a tribe of canibals..
The canibals are about to kill the sailor but the sailor protests claiming
he is a „great warrior“. The Chief of the tribe steps in and says…“If you
can prove that you are a great warrior we will not kill you!“ The Chief
thinks to himself and then says „To prove you are a great warrior you
must pass 3 tests. If you pass these tests, we will let you live.“
The sailor says „Alright, alright I accept the challenge… wha..wha..
what are the 3 tests?“
The Chief explains, „There are 3 tents,..in the first tent is a jug of wine.
You must drink this jug of wine in 10 minutes and not get sick“.
„In the second tent.. is a tiger ..with an impacted wisdom tooth. You
must extract the tooth from the tiger“.
„And in the third tent is my DAUGHTER!!. ..She has already killed 2 of
her husbands that could not satisfy her. ..You must enter her tent and
satisfy her!“ The sailor begins the tests and enters the first tent. About
9 minutes later he walks out staggering.and swinging the empty jug of
wine… but he doesn’t get sick, so he passes the first test.
He then enters the second tent and there are horrible sounds from the
tiger who is screaching, screaming, and growling… After about 20
minutes the sailor comes out of the tent,.. with scratches, cuts, with
torn clothes and says…. „O.K., now where’s that lady with the
A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan. „What kind
of business do you want to start?“ asks the bank manager. „I have
some black powder. You sprinkle it on pussy and it makes it taste like
„I don’t think we can give you a loan,“ was the reply so the guy left.
A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with
money. The same bank manager came up to him and asked:
„Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off.“
„Nah, that didn’t go anywhere. I made my money with this white
„Really,“ replied the bank manager. „What does it do?“
„Give me a peach and I’ll show you.“
A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians. The Indians were
all prepared to kill him when the chief announced that due to the
celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three
wishes before he would die. „What do you want for your first wish?“
asks the chief.
„I wanna talk to mah horse!“ says the cowboy. He goes over to his
horse and wispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes
off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a
naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they
let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy
stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. „What do you want for
your second wish?“ says the chief.
„I wanna talk to mah horse!“ says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy
wispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off
at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another
naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed.
So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The
cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy
„What do you want for your last wish?“
„I wanna talk to mah horse!“ says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by
the ears and yells, „You stupid animal, I said POSSE, not PUSSY!“
A guy gets a job working in Alaska at a remote oil pumping station.
When he gets there he notices that there are no women for hundreds
of miles. As soon as he got the opportunity he asked his supervisor
what they did for women. „Well,“ replied the supervisor. „We really
have no access to women. If you feel the urge there is a barrel with a
hold in it behind the building. You can use the hole.“
A few days later the guy is feeling horny and decides to give the hole
in the barrel a try. It is the best sex he has ever had. The following day
he is talking with his supervisor and tells him that the hole in the barrel
was great. „It’s so good I’m going to use it every day,“ he exclaimed.
„Every day but Thursday,“ replied the supervisor.
„What’s wrong with Thursday?“
„Thursday is your day in the barrel.“
A guy stops to talk to a beautiful woman standing alone by a bus stop.
„Hello, I must say, you are about the most beautiful women I have ever
met.“ „Thank you very much, replied the women.“ The guy quickly
follows up, „I was wondering if you’d sleep with me for a million
dollars?“ „A million dollars!“ the girl responds. She thinks for a
moment and answers, „yes, I would sleep with you for a million
dollars.“ „How about five bucks,“ responds the guy. „Five Bucks!,
What kind of woman do you think I am?“ „We’ve already determined
that,“ he replies. „Now we are just haggling over money.“
Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one
turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they
stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. Then he came back
and the other said „That was fast.“ „Well I need to take a shit but I’ve
got nothing to wipe my ass with.“ The other answers, „That’s easy just
go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it.“ „O.K.“ he says
as he goes back over to the bush. Later he comes back with a really
upset look on his face and says „That was a terrible idea. Not only did
I get SHIT all over my hands, I’ve got 4 Quarters Stuck up my ASS!“
Three men are on the long staircase up to heaven and are stopped by
God. He asks the first, how many times have you cheated on your wife ?“. The man guiltily looks at God and says „Eight times oh lord…“.
God replies „You will be punished, you must drive this Yugo around heaven“. God then looks at the next man and asks the same, to which the response is „Only twice oh lord“, „Twice is enough“ says God „you
will be restricted to this Honda, that’s not bad thinks the man happily.
The last man is asked the same and he proudly answers never, God says „you are a good man, you will have this Ferrari to drive“, but on turning to give the man the keys, he sees the man is crying, „Why do
you cry my child ?“. „I’ve just seen my wife go by on Roller Skates.“
A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he’s there, he runs in
to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right
down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, „Man, I
sure wish I could do that.“
The dog owner says, „Go ahead, but pet him a little bit first.“
A lady decided to go into business and open an art gallery. she asked
a painter she knew if he would paint a picture of Custer’s last stand for
the grand opening of the Gallery. On the day of the grand opening, the
lady unveiled the painting and let out a gasp… It was a painting with a
pile of excrement with a halo around it in the foreground, and hundreds
of Indians having sex in the background. She confronted the painter,
asking what the meaning of this was… He replied that he did a lot of
research on Custer’s last words, and found that they were, „Holy shit!
Look at all the fucking Indians!“
What does a hillbillies girl and the „Una bomber“ have in common?
They’ve both been fingered by their brother!
A man at a nudist camp got a letter from his mother asking for a
picture. Since the only pictures he had were taken in the nude, he cut
one in half and mailed her the part showing only from the waste up.
His mom wrote back after receiving the photograph and said, „thanks
for the picture. Can you grandma have one too?“ The guy thought,
since grandma can’t see well, I’ll just give her the bottom half, and he
After getting her grandson’s picture, she wrote to him and said, „nice
picture, but your hairstyle sure makes you nose look long.“
A guy got a sunburn while at a nude beach. Later, he found having sex
to be extremely painful, so he went to the kitchen, poured a glass of
milk, and inserted his dick in the glass. His girlfriend came into the
kitchen and said, „I’ve always wanted to know how men reload that
What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
You know we do taste like chicken
A policeman drives by a bar late one night, after closing time, and
notices two male patrons, obviously drunk, lying on the sidewalk in
front of the establishment. When he parks the squad car and
approaches, he notices that one of the men has his finger up the other
ones exposed ass. When the policeman asks just what is going on,
the owner of the finger states, „My friend here is very drunk and I’m
trying to make him throw up“. The policeman informs the fellow that
normally you would make someone throw up my putting a finger into
his throat, not his ass! to which the drunk replies, „When I put this
finger down his throat, I guarantee you he WILL throw up!“
Q: What did Bill Gates‘ wife say to him on their wedding night ?
A: „Now I know why you named your company Microsoft !“
Q. Why do married men like blowjobs so much? A. 15 minutes of silence.
How do you make a bitch scream twice during sex? Fuck her in the
ass and wipe your dick on the curtains.
Why is a beer better than a woman?
You can enjoy a beer all month long.
A frigid beer is good.
A beer doesn’t care when you come.
When a beer goes flat you can toss it.
A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
A beer never gets a headache.
If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.
you can share a beer with a friend.
You always know when you’re the first one to pop a beer.
A beer is always wet.
You can have a beer in public.
You don’t have to wash a beer before it tasts good.
A beer doesn’t get pregnant.
A beer doesn’t have parents.
You can say whatever you want to a beer.
A beer doesn’t care if you are late.
And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.
Why is a Failed marriage like a hurricane ?
There is a lot of blowing at the start, then you loose your house !!!!
It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. „All this was just too wonderful for words,“
He said, „but what’s the dollar for?“
„Well,“ she said, „last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‚Fuck him. Give him a dollar.‘ The breakfast was my idea.“
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
„There ain’t no way they can catch a Mercedes,“ he thought, and stepped on the gas. The needle hit 90, 100, 110, 130. and finally 150 with the lights still behind him.
„What in hell am I doing?“ he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
„I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go!“
„Last week my wife ran off with a cop,“ the man said, „and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!“
„Have a nice night“, said the officer.
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, „Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?“ The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, „Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?“
The attorney interrupts, „Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.“ The Godfather says, „Well ask him where my damn money is!“ The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, „I don’t know what you are talking about.“ The attorney interprets to the Godfather, „He doesn’t know what you are talking about.“
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, „Ask him again where my damn money is!“
The attorney signs to the accountant, „He wants to know where it is!“ The accountant signs back, „OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind
the shed in my backyard!“ The Godfather says, „Well….what did he say?“
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, „He says…go to hell… …you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.“
Q: Why is PMS called PMS?
A: Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Two cows are standing in an English meadow talking…
#1 „This mad cow disease is terrible isn’t it“
#2 „Why is that?“
#1 „Well, we could get sick and die!“
#2 „Doesn’t bother me!“
#1 „Why ever not?“
#2 „I am a squirrel!“
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, „Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?“ The first man approached him and said, „Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?“
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, „My wife’s first husband.“
CLINTON VIRUS Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS Sucks all the memory out of your computer then emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS Saves your data but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB then slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS Your whole computer goes down.
DISNEY VIRUS Everything in your computer goes Goofy .
PROZAC VIRUS Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates some files, leaves but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows.
A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem.
„What’s the matter?“ he asks.
„Well, I’ve bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can’t find any edges.“
„What’s the picture of?“ he asks.
„It’s of a big rooster,“ she replies.
„All right,“ he says, „I’ll come over and have a look.“
When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out.
He takes one look at what she’s been struggling with and says, „Oh, for crying out loud, put the Cornflakes back in the box!“
One afternoon, Little Johnny notices his daddy drive past the playground and into some nearby woods. Curious, he hides behind some bushes and finds his Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny is amused by this so he runs home to tell his mother.
„Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to take a look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss.
Then, he helped her take off her shirt. And then, Aunt Jane helped Daddy take off his pants. And then, Aunt Jane got down on the seat and…“
„Johnny, this is such an interesting story,“ interrupted his mother. „Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it.“
Later that evening, at the dinner table, Little Johnny’s mother said, „Johnny, why don’t you tell Daddy and I the story you have for us.“
Johnny begins his story by describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and…“Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on business.“
One day a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
„Eighty dollars,“ the dentist says.
„That’s a ridiculous amount,“ the man says. „Isn’t there a cheaper way?“
„Well,“ the dentist says, „if you don’t use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.“
„That’s still too expensive,“ the man says.
„Okay,“ says the dentist. „If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20.“
„Nope,“ moans the man, „it’s still too much.“
„Hmm,“ says the dentist, scratching his head. „If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.“
„Marvelous,“ says the man, „book my wife for next Tuesday !“
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, „Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.“
The priest said: „Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?“
„Never Father, I’m Jewish.“
„So then, why are you telling me?“ responded the priest.
„Hell! I’m telling everybody!“
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other. „So what’s going on here?“ he asks.
The biker replies, „My mate here has had too much to drink and I’m trying to make him vomit.“
The cop says, „I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT.“
The biker replies, „That’s what I’m going to do next!“
Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station. After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded „Earthling! Take me to your leader!“
The gas pump, of course, did not reply.
The alien became agitated and again demanded „Take me to your leader!“
The gas pump remained silent.
Frustrated, the alien went back to the spacecraft where he was confronted by the captain:
„I contacted an earthling – he would not cooperate.“
„Hmmm. I will deal with this earthling myself.“
„Yes sir. Be careful sir, I have a feeling there could be trouble.“
The captain left the ship and approached the gas pump.
„Earthling, you will cooperate. Take me to your leader.“
The gas pump remained unresponsive.
„Very well.“ The captain drew his blaster.
„If you do not respond by the count of three, I shall be forced to fire on you. ….. One. Two. Three!“ ZZZZZT! WHAM! The gas pump exploded, knocking the alien ass over tea kettle. The captain jumped up and got back to the ship as fast as his whatever would propel him.
„Quickly! Make ready to depart!“
„Yes sir. What happened sir?“
„I fired on the earthling and it responded very forcefully.“
„Sorry sir, I was afraid that might happen.“
„How did you know that there would be trouble?“
„Well sir, I assumed that anyone who can take his Dick, wrap it around his feet and stick it in his left ear is probably going to be one mean bastard.“
We’ve all heard the phrase „you learn something new everyday.“ Well, here’s today’s lesson: Think before you speak!! This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.
In biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, „If I understand you, you’re saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?“
„That’s correct,“ responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, „Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?“
After a stunned silence, the class burst out laughing, the poor girl’s face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return. However as she was going out the door, the Prof’s reply was classic.
Totally straight-faced he answered her question:
„It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.“
One day in a great forest, a magical frog was hopping down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. But by chance that day, he witnessed a bear chasing after a rabbit. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, „Because you are the only two animals I have ever seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first.“ The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, he said, „I wish for all the bears in this forest,
besides me, to be female.“ For his first wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear’s second turn for a wish. „Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well.“ Rabbit then asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things; after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For his last wish, the bear thought for a moment and then said, „I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female.“ The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said as he sped away, „I wish that the bear was gay…“
A Texan walked into a whorehouse in Anchorage and asked, „Do you have a girl here from Texas named Arlene?“ „Sure do,“ said the madam. „Go on up to Room 6.“
The Texan went up to Room 6 and knocked on the door. When the woman answered it, he asked „Are you Arlene from Texas?“
„I sure am,“ she replied.
„Well, I got two hundred dollars,“ he proudly said.
The hooker grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him into the room.
After they had thrashed around on the mattress for a half an hour, the Texan got up to leave. „Will you be here tomorrow?“ he asked.
„Sure,“ Arlene said, „I’ll be here.“
The next night, the Texan came back and went up to Room 6. Another two hundred dollars, another hour of horizontal aerobics. When they were done, the Texan
was sitting on the side of the bed and he asked, „Will you be here tomorrow night?“
„Honey,“ she said, „I’ll be here every night for you.“
The next night, the Texan came back again. Same thing: two hundred dollars, the best sex of his life. When they were done, they were both sitting on the edge of the bed.
„Say,“ Arlene said, „what part of Texas you from?“
„I’m from Dallas,“ the Texan says, with a big grin.
„Well, I got a sister in Dallas!“ the hooker cries.
„I know it,“ the Texan says, „and she gave me six hundred dollars to give to you!“
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, „You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.“
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, „Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn’t like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her.“
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, „Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn’t like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself.“
A rather chubby fellow was reading the paper one-day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a „guaranteed“ weight loss program. „Guaranteed my ass“ he thinks to himself. „But let’s see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike’s and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, „If you can catch me, you can have me.“
Well without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, „I like the way this company does business.“ For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time.
On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of „treatment“, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their „workout“ schedule might be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22-year-old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok’s and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads „If you can catch me, you can have me.“
He’s out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. He is really looking forward to the next four days….
For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. „I love this company,“ he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!“
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company’s 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. „Are you sure, sir?“ asks the representative on the phone. „This is our most rigorous program.“ „Absolutely,“ says he, „I love your program. I haven’t felt this good in years!“
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. The sign reads, „If I catch you, your ass is mine!“
THE MasterCard COMMERCIAL THAT NEVER MADE IT ON THE AIR
Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private dance and hotel room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to discuss your feelings…………Priceless
This is a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired. However, the ex-employee is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for „termination without cause.“ This is from the taped conversation leading up to the dismissal.
„Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?“ „Yes, well, I’m having trouble with Word Perfect.“
„What sort of trouble?“
„Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.“
„Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?“
„It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.“
„Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?“
„How do I tell?“
„Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?“
„What’s a sea-prompt?“
„Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?“
„There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept anything I type!“
„Does your monitor have a power indicator?“
„What’s a monitor?“
„It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.“
„Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?“
„I don’t know.“
„Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?“
„Yes, I think so.“
„Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.“
„…Yes, it is.“
„When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?“
„Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.“
„Okay, here it is.“
„Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.“
„I can’t reach it.“
„Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?“
„Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?“
„Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle, it’s because it’s dark.“
„Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.“
„Well, turn on the office light then.“
„No? Why not?“
„Because there’s a power outage.“
„A power…a power outage? Aha, okay. We’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?“
„Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.“
„Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.“
„Really? Is it that bad?“
„Yes, I’m afraid it is.“
„Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?“
„Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.“
A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet look at the man and says, „I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.“ The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, „I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.“ The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, „$650.“
„$650 to tell me my dog is dead?“ exclaimed the man….
„Well,“ the vet replies, „I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.“
an old man comes home from the doctor and says to his wife that the doctor only gave him a few months to live. His wife says „that’s terrible, anything I can do to make you more comfortable just ask.“ he thinks for a while and then says “ What’s in the box under the bed? You know I promised you on our wedding day I would never ask what’s in the box or look in it but with me having only a few months to live what difference does it make. His wife goes and gets the box then removes the lid and hands it to him. The old man looks inside and sees three eggs and $100,000.00 He asks his wife „what do they mean?“ she says that every time the had sex and it was not very good for her she put an egg in the box. He’s feeling pretty good now after all they’ve been married for forty years and there’s only three eggs in the box. He asks her about the 100 thousand dollars.
An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, „Do you smell something?“
„Well, yes I do,“ he replied.
„What does it smell like?“
The bemused gentleman answered, „I’m not sure, but it kinda smells like someone crapped in a pine tree.“
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, „Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.“ So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming „It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!“
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. „Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?“
God shrugged and said, „Jesus saves.“
There’s this girl who lives on the 18th floor of this condo, she’s on her balcony cleaning a throw rug. A big gust of wind takes the rug and her over the side. She’s
falling and knows she’s going to die, so she prays to God for a miracle.
Just then a man on the 14th floor sticks out his arms and catches her. He says to her, „Do you Suck ?“ She says, „No!“ So, he drops her.
She prays again, and just then a man on the 10th floor sticks out his arms and catches her and says, „Do you Fuck ?“. She says, „No Way!“ So he drops her.
She then realizes that its all over for her and asks God for one more chance. Right then a man on the 6th floor sticks his arms out and she yells, “ I suck, I fuck!!!“
The man says, „Slut!“ and drops her.
A sports fan was sitting in the top row at the Super Bowl, barely able to see the field. He noticed a vacant seat about 3 rows back on the 50 yard line. It was still vacant when the 2nd quarter started, so he went down and asked the man seated next to it if anyone was sitting there. The man said „No, have a seat.“
A few minutes later he asked the man if he knew whose seat this was and why they weren’t here at such an important event. The man said that for ten years it had been his wife’s but that she had passed away. Feeling sorry for the nice man, the fan asked if he didn’t have a friend or family member that he could have offered the seat to instead of just leaving it vacant. The man said „No, they’re all at the funeral.“
A small East Texas Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, part time intern, responsible for cleaning the animals‘ cages. Ed had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any hairy female. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. „First,“ he said. „I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want her to wear protection.“ The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. „Well,“ said Ed. „You’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.
An exquisite painting, entitled „Home for Lunch“, was on display in a northeast Pennsylvania art gallery. It depicted three very naked and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
Two women were standing there, staring at the painting, scratching their heads, and trying to figure the painting out. The artist walked by and noticed the women’s confusion. „Can I help you with this painting?“ he asked. „Well, yes“ said the one woman. „We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?“ „Oh,“ said the artist.
„I’m afraid you’ve misinterpreted the painting. The three men are not African-Americans. They’re Pennsylvania coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went „Home for Lunch.“
A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, „Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?“ The trembling monkey said, „You are, mighty lion!“ Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, „Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?“ The terrified deer stammers, „Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!“ On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, „Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?“ Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, and slams him against a tree half a dozen times, with the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away. The lion hollered after the elephant flippantly, „Geez, just because you ‚ don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so mad.“ A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, „Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?“ The trembling monkey said, „You are, mighty lion!“ Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, „Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?“ The terrified deer stammers, „Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!“ On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, „Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?“ Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, and slams him against a tree half a dozen times, with the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away. The lion hollered after the elephant flippantly, „Geez, just because you ‚ don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so mad.“
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, „Wouldn’t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?“ He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, „Oh no! My wife’s dinner party!“ He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with his very angry wife standing in the doorway, wondering where he’s been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails, and said, „Come on guys, we’re almost there!“
A Vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about were he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. „Okay, follow me“ he said and flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a Forrest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. „now, do you see that tree over there?“ he asked. „YES, YES, YES“ all the other bats SCREAMED in a frenzy.
„Good “ said the first bat, „because I fucking didn’t.“
Four men went golfing together; three headed to the first tee, and one went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man said, „My son is so successful he gave a friend a new home-for free.“
The second man said, „My son is so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs.“
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, „My son is doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.“
The fourth man joined them on the tee.
The first man said, „We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?“
The fourth man said, „Well, I’m proud to say that he’s gay, and is doing very well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio.“
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, „I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed. Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were
hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love. Furious he called the artist in. „What the hell is this??“, screamed the billionaire.
„Why that’s exactly what you asked for“ said the artist smugly.
„No! I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts!“ „And there you have it,“ said the artist, „I call it ‚holy cow look at all those fucking Indians.“
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, „Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.“
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
„Well,“ said the other brother, „you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo.“
An extremely shy and very modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his digestive system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided that the latest was another false alarm, so he stayed put in his bed. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
Loosing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, „What was that all about?“
Still staring down at his feet, the drunk replied: „I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!“
I was in the locker room last week and I saw something really strange. There was this guy walking around with a cork in his ass. Now, usually I keep to myself, but I just couldn’t let this go. So, I walked over and said, „Excuse me that cork in your ass looks really uncomfortable, I was wondering why it’s there.“ I didn’t know what his reaction would be but he was very nice and understanding. He said, „While I was on vacation last week I found a bottle on the beach … I picked it up and after rubbing the sand off of it a genie came out and said I’m really tired I’ll grant you only one wish …. I was really surprised and said
A very attractive young woman goes to the doctor for an examination. After thoroughly examining her ,the Dr. says „You are in excellent health except for those
bruises on your knees. They seem to be developing into calluses. Can you tell me where they are coming from“
The young woman starts to blush and says“ I guess they have to do with my sexual activity. Whenever we make love we do it doggie style.
„Well that should be easy to take care of“ the Dr. says „Surely you must know other ways to have sexual intercourse!“
„Oh! Yes, I do,“ says the woman, „but the dog doesn’t!“
A guy walked into a barber shop and asked, „How long before I can get a haircut?“
The barber looked around the shop and said, „About 2 hours.“
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, „How long before I can get a haircut?“
Again, the barber looked around at a shop full of customers and said, „About 2 hours.“
The guy left again.
A week later the same guy came in the shop again and asked the same question.
The barber looked around the shop and said, „About an hour and a half.“
Once again the guy left.
This time the barber looked over at a friend and said, „Hey, Bill, I’ll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes.“
In a little while, Bill came back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber said, „This must be good. Where did he go when he left here?“
„To your house.“
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a „typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds.“ Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of „WOW!“ are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, „Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?“ The proud father answers, „Ten pounds.“ The bartender is puzzled, concerned…“Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth?“
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his sleeve, leans into the bartender & proudly says, „Had him circumcised!“
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says „Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!“
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, „Ribbit 9 Iron.“ The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, „Ribbit 9 Iron.“ He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, „Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, „Ribbit Lucky Frog.“ The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. „What do you think frog?“ the man asks. „Ribbit 3 wood.“ The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and by the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, „OK where to next?“ The frog replies, „Ribbit Las Vegas.“
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, „OK frog, now what?“ The frog says, „Ribbit Roulette.“ Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, „What do you think I should bet?“ The frog replies, „Ribbit $3000, black 6.“ Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, „Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.“ The frog replies, „Ribbit Kiss Me.“
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
„And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room“
These four ladies were playing cards one Monday and the 91 year old lady said „I am getting bored I think I will get a job.“
Well the other three ladies starting laughing and said „Where do you think you could find a job?
She replied, „I don’t know but I am going to try.“
A week went by and they were playing cards again. The little 91 year old said „Well I got a job.“
The others started laughing again and asked, „Where are you working.“
She said „I am working for a sperm bank.“
They then asked „Well, what do you do?“
She said „I stand at the door and as the men leave I say „Thank you for coming.“
Q: What’s the difference between a golf ball and the wife’s G-spot?
A: A guy will spend all day looking for his golf ball.
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells, her friends, „My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‚Father‘.“
The second Catholic woman chirps, „My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, ‚Your Grace‘.“
The third Catholic woman says, „My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, people say, ‚Your Eminence‘.“
The fourth Catholic woman continued sipping her coffee in silence, so the first three women give her a subtle, „Well…?“
She replies, „My son is a gorgeous, 6′ 2“, hard-bodied stripper who’s hung like a horse and shows it. When he walks into a room, people gasp, ‚Oh, my God!‘ „
Three cowboys – one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other from Texas are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The guy from Louisiana says, „I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands.“
The guy from Arkansas couldn’t stand to be bested. „Why, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today!“
The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car which read, „TWO PROSTITUTES… $150.00.“
A policeman noticed the car, and quickly pulled them over. He approached the ladies and told them they’d have to remove the sign. Otherwise, they’d be arrested and taken to jail. Just then, another car passed by with a sign which read, „JESUS SAVES.“
The two ladies asked the policeman why he let the other car drive by without pulling them over. „Well, that’s a little different since it pertains to religion.“ The two ladies were furious, but nonetheless they removed the sign and drove away.
The next day, the same policeman noticed the same two ladies riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car. He figured he had an easy bust, so he pulled them over once again. As he approached the car, though, he noticed a new sign which now read, „TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER… $150.00.“
Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, „You know, I’ve never come this way before.“
The other nun whispers, „It’s the cobblestones.“
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, „Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you’re bouncing up and down on him“. His mom is taken by surprise and says. “ Oh… well I’m bouncing on his stomach because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.“ The boy says, „That won’t work mom, the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!“
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, „Someone should go and tell his wife.“ Bill says, „OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.“
2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, „Where did you get that, Bill?“
„Steve’s wife gave it to me.“
„That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer.“
Bill says,“Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, ‚You must be Steve’s widow.'“
She said, „‚No, I’m not a widow.“
And I said, „Wanna bet me a six-pack?“
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally after getting all the necessary „tools“ together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, „THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!“
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, „THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!“
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more.
„THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!“
She stopped, looked skyward and said,“ Is that you Lord?“
The voice replied, „NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!“
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom acility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant’s ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.
Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought „Wow“ these gals really have it nice!!
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body tempera- ture Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. „Aha“ he thought, „no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!“
So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. „Man, this is great,“ he thought as he reach out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off… confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, „Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button.“
Young Johnny goes to buy his first box of condoms. He selects the ones on sale for 99 cents, takes them to the till. The cashier says that’ll be a $1.13 with tax.
Johnny is startled and says … Tacks! don’t they stay on by themselves??
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, „Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?“
The big woman replies, „Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m blonde, six feet tall, 210 lbs, and I’m a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 220 lbs, and she’s an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who’s 6’5″, weighs 250 lbs, and she’s a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?“
The guy thinks about it a second and says, „No, I don’t want to explain it to you three times.“
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, „I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland. The other guy responds proudly, „Yes, that I am!“
The first guy says, „So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?“ The other guy answers, „I’m from Dublin, I am.“ The first guy responds, „Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?“ The other guy says, „A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.“ The first guy says, „Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?“ The other guy answers, „Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.“ The first guy gets really excited, and says, „And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?“ The other guy answers, „Well, now, I graduated in 1964.“ The first guy exclaims, „The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar on this very night. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.“
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, „It’s going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.“
A dumb blonde walking along, lost, encountered a deep and wide river. She looked up and down that river and could not see a way across. She looked to the other side and saw another blonde on the opposite river bank and called out to her.
„How can I get to the other side of the river?“
The other blonde replied: „What for? You are already on the other side of the river!“
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: „Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?“
Rancher: „This dog don’t talk!“
Cowboy: „Hey dog, how’s it going?“
Dog: „Doin alright“
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: „Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)“
Cowboy: „How’s he treat you?“
Dog: „Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.“
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: „Mind if I talk to your horse?“
Rancher: „Horses don’t talk!“
Cowboy: „Hey horse, how’s it goin?“
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: „Is this your owner?“ (pointing at rancher)
Cowboy: „How’s he treat you?“
Horse: „Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.“
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: „Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?“
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)…… „Th-Th-Them sheep ain’t nothin but liars!!!“
Mickey Mouse decides he wants to get a divorce from Minnie, so he goes to see a lawyer. The lawyer tells him, „I’m sorry Mr. Mouse, but in the state of California insanity is not grounds for divorce.“
Mickey replies, „I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!“
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms. He replies, „Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?“
She responds, „No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?“
In the Garden of Eden, Adam had just met Eve and they got talking about sex. Eve was curious about what Adam did to have sex – after all, she was the first woman on earth. So Adam took her by the hand and led her to a nearby tree and showed her a hole in the tree trunk, just about the right height for Adam to thrust his desires away.
Smiling, Eve said „Well now you don’t have to have sex with the tree because I’ve got a hole too so why don’t you put it in me?“ She lay down on her back and opened her legs as wide as they would go.
Adam, looking forward to this impending moment of passion, took several steps back.
„Come on, big boy!“ said Eve.
Adam ran towards Eve and….. KICKED her between the legs as hard as he could!
Eve : „What was that for????“ asked Eve
Adam: „Oh, just checking for squirrels……“
A Christmas Tale
One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip… but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
He went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidently dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with great big Christmas Tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, „Merry Christmas Santa. Isn’t it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn’t it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me
to stick it?“
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, „Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away.“
Santa replies, „HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.“
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, „Oh Santa, don’t run a mile; just stay for a while…“
Santa begins to sweat but replies, „HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.“
The girl takes off her bra and says, „Oh Santa… Please… Stay.“
Santa wipes his brow but replies, „HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.“
She loses the panties and says, „Oh Santa… Please… Stay….“
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, „HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!“
One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day.
Amused, her mother replied „Really, sweetie? Why don’t you tell me all about it?“
The little girl explained, „Well… OK… the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes and the Daddy’s thing sort of stands up, and the Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that’s where babies come from.“
Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her daughter eye to eye and said in a confidential tone, „Oh, honey, that’s sweet, but that’s not where babies come from. That’s where jewelry comes from.“
One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys love to do. As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So, he asked her „What’s the matter, baby?“ She gave a big sigh and replied, „You’re probably the best guy I’ve ever met, but every time we make love you give me splinters.“
This bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice from his creator, Gepetto. Pinocchio thoroughly explained the perplexing matter, and Gepetto suggested that sandpaper might be able to „smooth out“ Pinocchio’s relationship. Pinocchio thanked Gepetto for the advice and went on his way.
Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for awhile and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio erotic problems. Some weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some of his wood-working blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. Pinocchio was buying up all of the sandpaper that would fit into his shopping cart.
Gepetto remarked: „Wow! It looks like things must be going pretty damn well with the girls.“
Pinocchio replied: „Girls, who needs girls?“
Three nuns, coming back from the retreat, were killed in an automobile accident.
Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, were halted by St. Peter, which was a surprise since they THOUGHT that they would have been ushered right in, having been so ‚righteous‘ throughout their lifes‘ and all.
„First you must each answer a question“, St. Peter stated.
ALl three nuns began to get nervous, thinking of ALL of the theology that they had studied.
„Who was the first man?“, St. Peter asked the first nun.
„Oh, that’s easy, it was Adam“, the first nun replied.
Trumpets blared, angels sang, and the Pearly Gates swung open to allow the first nun entry, and then closed.
The other two nuns began to relax.
„And who was the first woman?“, St. Peter asked the second nun.
„Oh, that’s as easy, it was Eve“, the second nun replied.
Trumpets blared, angels sang, and the Pearly Gates swung open to allow the second nun entry, and then closed.
The third nun became very relaxed. So much for all that theology, she thought, and got ready for an easy question.
„And what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?“, St. Peter than asked the third nun.
„My, that’s a HARD one!“, the third nun commented.
Trumpets blared, angels sang…..
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped,the driver got out, came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right since she had been following him for a long time. She said she was fine and told him her daddy’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Kmart next
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination,the doctor then said to the elderly man, „You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?“ „In fact, I do,“ said the man. „After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.“ „This is very interesting,“ replied the doctor. „Let me do some research and get back to you.“
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, „Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?“ The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, „Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?“
„Oh that old buzzard!“ she replied. „That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!“
A major company just developed a new paint called Blondo, it spreads easily and it’s not too bright.
Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.
As most people know, McDonald’s restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald’s signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two numeric places. This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth
burger, McDonald’s signs will read „00 Billion Burgers Sold.“ This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald’s hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald’s products.
The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.
„The people who know-the sign-makers-are really scared of 100GB“, one expert said. „I don’t know about you, but I’m digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills.“
There’s an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, „If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!“
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had „fallen.“ This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, „You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.“
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, „I don’t know what you’re laughing about, your wife fell three times this week.“
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.
He went to God and said, „Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.“ God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, „Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.“ God smiled.
„Think about it-who can he tell?“
A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn’t resist making fun of his baldness. One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man’s pate while loudly exclaiming: „Feels just like my wife’s ass.“
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging exec also felt his gleaming plate. „You’re right,“ he said, „it does !“
The newlyweds were suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advised, „It’s not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with an „R“ in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.“
Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the doctor’s orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver. Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.
Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, „What day is it honey?“
She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, „Mondray.“
A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a stop sign, they are rear ended by a big semi. Furiously, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door.
The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with his hands on his hips, says, „I’m gonna sue your ass, Buddy!“
The truck driver, laughs and says, „Suck my Dick!“
The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car, and says excitedly to his lover, „You won’t believe^this, he wants to settle out of court!“
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, „Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.“ And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, „You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?“
The male statue looked at the female and asked, „Do you want to do it again?“
Smiling, the female statue said, „Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I’LL shit on it’s head!“
One day Little Susie got her „monthly bleeding“ for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny, she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny’s face grew serious and he said, „You know, I’m not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!“
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, „I have a headache.“
„Perfect“ her husband said. „I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it’s up to you!“
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, „Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.“
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks, „What is your occupation?“
The woman replies, „I’m a whore.“
The accountant balks and says, „No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.“
The woman, „OK, I’m a prostitute.“
„No, that is still too crude. Try again.“
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, „I’m a chicken farmer.“
The accountant asks, „What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?“
„Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.“
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, „Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?“
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. „Yes. Yes he did.“
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, „Who? Who was he? Who was the father?“
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: „You.“
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender glowers at it and firmly states, „We don’t serve food here!“
There was this old woman who heard a song called, „Two Lips and Seven Kisses.“ She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, „Do you have „Two Lips and Seven Kisses?“
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, „No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!“
So the woman asked, „Is this a record?“
To which the man replied, „No, its average!“
A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all said, „So, where y’all from?“
The New York girl said, „From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.“
The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, „So, where y’all from, bitch?“
The teacher asked her students to use the word „fascinate“ in a sentence. Mary said, „My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.“ The teacher said, „That was good, but I wanted the word ‚Fascinate‘.“
Sally raised her hand. She said, „My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.“ The teacher said, „Good, but I wanted the word ‚fascinate‘.“
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word „fascinate“ so she called on him. Johnny said, „My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten 8.“
TOP 15 THINNEST BOOKS
15. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS – by O. J. Simpson
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY – by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS – by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART’S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT – A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN’S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. GEORGE FOREMAN’S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
5. TO ALL THE MEN I’VE LOVED BEFORE – by Ellen DeGeneres
4. MIKE TYSON’S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
3. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES – by the EPA
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
And the World’s Number One Shortest book…
1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES – by Bill Clinton
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, „Hey, Dave! How ya doin?“ His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. „Oh no,“ says Dave. „He’s on my bowling team.“
hen they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, „You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.“ „No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.“
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. „Hi, Davey,“ she says, „Want your usual table dance?“ Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, „Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!“
Moses and Jesus are part of a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulls up to the tee and drives a long one. The ball is heading toward a pond. Quickly, Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball rolls to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It lands right in the center of the pond and kind of hovers over the water. Jesus casually walks out on the water and chips the ball right up onto the green.
Then, the third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a shack close by and rolls down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it comes quietly to rest. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps on the lily pad and snatches the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down, grabs the frog and flies away. As they pass over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball, which bounces right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses leans over toward Jesus and whispers, „Do you think your Dad would teach me that shot?“
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, „Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.“
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, „Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door.“
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute: „Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?“
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied: „First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?“
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, „Um… No.“
The lawyer continued: „Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?“
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology.
The lawyer interrupted her apology, saying: „Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,“ the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, „Leaving her penniless with three children?!“
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, „I had no idea…“
On a roll, the lawyer cut her off once again: „…So, if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any money to you?!?“
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that the skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover that she still could not do it. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step, and once again much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give her a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, the big Texan that was behind her in line, picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would be hero, screeching at him, „How dare you touch my body? I don’t even know who you are!“
At this, the Texan drawled, „Well Ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.“
Monica Lewinsky (on CNN’s Larry King Live discussing her miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss) :
„I’ve learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me“
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, „Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except-“ and he stopped.
„Except what?“ the man asked.
„C’mon, tell me! I need something!“
„Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‚voodoo dick.'“
„So what’s up with this voodoo dick?“ he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said „Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!“
The old man replied, „But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.“ He pointed to a door and said „Voodoo dick, the door.“ The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said „Voodoo dick, get back in your box!“ The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. „I’ll take it!“ said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say „Voodoo dick, my pussy.“ He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said „Voodoo dick, my pussy!“ The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her, and wouldn’t stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said „Yeah, right… Voodoo dick, my ass!“
The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. You need to use „big people words“, she’d always remind them.
She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.
„I went to visit my Nana“
„No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!“
She then asked Joey what he had done.
„I took a ride on a choo-choo.“ he said.
„No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!“
She then asked Eddie what he had done.
„I read a book“ he replied.
„That’s wonderful“ the teacher said. „What book did you read?“
Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, „Winnie The Shit.“
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the coffee table.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, „You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?“ She answered by saying, „I bought it with the insurance money!“ She then said, „Irving, remember that new car you promised me?“ She answered again saying, „Well, I bought it with the insurance money!“ Then she said, „And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of the hill that I fell in love with and you said we couldn’t afford?“ Once more she
answered saying, „Well I bought that too with the insurance money and I love living here.“
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, „Irving, remember that blowjob I promised you? Here it comes…“
It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in. „Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?“ He says.
„That’s cool.“ says Bobby.
Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie. Peggy Sue’s father responds, „Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.“ Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says „Whaaaat?“. „Yeah,“ says Peggy Sue’s father, „Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!“ Bobby’s eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear.
Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, „Have a good evening kids,“ with a small wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: „DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!
One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hide the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, “ Well what should we do about this?“
Dad looked at her and said, „Well I don’t think you should spank him.“
Denzle phones the vet, „could the vet come out to the farm, it’s a bit of an emergency, the dog has swallowed a condom“
„I’m sorry “ says the receptionist “ the vet is out on a call and won’t be back for about an hour, I’ll get him to contact you when he gets in“
After two hours and no reply from the vet Denzle rings and asks “ Is the vet back yet? I’m very concerned about the dog and the condom thing“
„I’m sorry the vet isn’t back yet, I’m sure he won’t be long now“ the receptionist replies.
Another hour goes by and still no sign of the vet and Denzle rings again “ It’s me Denzle phoning about the dog and the condom“ „I’m sorry“ the receptionist starts to
say, when Denzile interrupts and says „It’s alright now we’ve found another one in the drawer“.
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob’s standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, „Ah, OK, sure, I’ll help you.“
The man asks, „Can you unzip my zipper?“
Bob says, „OK.“
Then the man says, „Can you pull it out for me?“
Bob replies, „Uh, yeah, OK.“
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, „Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.“
Bob says, „No problem, but what the hell’s wrong with your penis?“
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, „I don’t know, but I ain’t touching it.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
„Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.“
„You foul-mouthed swine, “ retorted the lady idignantly. „In this the country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!“
„Hey, coola down lady,“ said the man. „Who talkin‘ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin‘ my frienda how to spella ‚Mississippi‘.“
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, „Make the entire ocean into Guinness!“ The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: „Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.“
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that the preacher settled on a donkey instead. The preacher figured, since he bought the animal, he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey did quite well and came in third place. The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline:
Preacher Shows Ass
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time the animal won first place. The paper said:
Preacher’s Ass Out In Front
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed this headline:
Bishop Scratches Preacher’s Ass
This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nun in a local convent. The next day, the headlines read:
Nun Has Best Ass In Town
The Bishop fainted. When he came around, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. The nun searched, finally finding a farmer willing to buy the animal for ten dollars. The paper stated:
Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks!
They buried the Bishop the next day
Late one Saturday night a vet received a phone call at his home. It was a little old lady who asked him how to stop two dogs from screwing in her front yard. At first,
the vet said, „Try prying them apart with a broom handle.“
Ten minutes later the vet’s phone rang again, and it was the same lady with the same problem.
The vet stated, „Oh, the broom handle didn’t work? Try a bucket of cold water.“
Fifteen minutes later his phone rang once more. The lady said that plan number two had failed.
This time the vet said, „Just tell the male dog that the phone is ringing and it’s for him.“
The woman replied, „What? Do you honestly think that will stop him from screwing?“
The vet quickly responded, „Sure. It’s worked three times on me tonight already!“
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say „Supersex! Supersex!“
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she again said, „Supersex!“ He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her.
He finally answered, „I’ll take the soup.“
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, „Stand in front of that bar
and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks.If you’ve got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.“
She’s not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, „How much?“ She says, „A hundred dollars. „He says „Shit. All I’ve got is thirty. She says, „Hold on.“ She
runs back to Harry and says,“What can he get for thirty dollars?“ Harry says, „A hand job“. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, „I’ll be right back.“
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, „Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
„Watson, look up and tell me what you see.“
Watson replied, „I see millions and millions of stars.“
„What does that tell you?“
Watson pondered for a minute. „Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?“
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
„Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent.“
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, „Just think
honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.“
„Yeah,“ she replied, „Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.“
„Hmmm…“ the old man said, „We were probably sitting here naked as jay birds fifty years ago this morning.“
„Well,“ the old lady snickered, „What do you say… should we?“
The two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. The two sat there for a few minutes, giggling like teenagers, when the little old lady breathlessly whispered,
„You know, honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.“
„I wouldn’t be surprised,“ replied the old man. „One’s in your coffee and the other one’s in your oatmeal.“
A short one today: Research has shown that today’s most common form of marriage proposal is: „You’re WHAT!?“..
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could
not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, „I’ll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how
kinky, for $100 on one condition.“ Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, „You have to tell me what you want me to do
in just three words.“
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young
He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, „Paint my house.“
This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her,
„Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?“
„What? You’re crazy???!!!“
„Don’t worry, it will be quick, no problem.“
„No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor…“
„At this time of the night no one will show up..“
„I’ve already said NO, and NO!“
„Honey, it’s just a small blowie… I know you like it too..“
„NO!!! I’ve said NO!!!“
„My love.. don’t be like that..“
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says. „Dad says either you have to blow him, I
have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God’s sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!“
Q: How many animals can you find in a pair of pantyhose?
A: 10 little piggies,2 calves,1 ass,1 beaver,1 pussy, un known amount of wild whares, and a dead fish nobody can find.
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her
„What are you doing?“, asked the mom. „Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband.“ The mother
walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using
the vibrator. „What the hell are you doing?“, he asked. His daughter replied, „I already told mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is
as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.“ The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. „For Chrissakes,
what are you doing?“ she cried. The husband replied „What does it look like I’m doing? I’m having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!“
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the
doctor says to him „This is all in your mind,“ and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, „I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.“ So, finally, the psychiatrist, at his wits ends, refers him to
a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, „I can cure this.“ He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says „This is powerful
healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‚123‘ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!“
The guy then asks the witch doctor „What happens when it’s over?“ The witch doctor says „All you or your partner has to say is ‚1234‘ and it will go down. But be
warned; it will not work again for a year!“
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. Soon he is lying in bed with her and says „123“, and just like that, he gets an
His wife turns over and says „What did you say ‚123‘ for?“
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young
couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room.
He got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as he had chance,the
husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow,and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown.
He whispered, „Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he
wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!“
„Dear“, the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, „I’m so relieved you feel that way. You’re right, he hasn’t seen a woman in years. He wasn’t kissing my neck…he was
whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you’re really cute and asked if we kept the vaseline in the bathroom“.
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started
putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, „You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!“
„I don’t have to,“ the first lawyer replied. „I only have to outrun you.“
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, „Martha, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.“And every year Martha
would say, „I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.“ This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy
said, „Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.“ Martha replied, „Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten
dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.“ The pilot overheard them and said, „Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.“
Stumpy and Martha agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but
still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, „By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.“
Stumpy replied, „Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.“
Peter walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. „Can I help you, fella?“, asks the cop.
„Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!“ Peter replies.
The cop asks, „Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?“
„It was at the end of this key“, Peter replies.
At this point the cop looks down to see that Peter’s penis is hanging out of his trousers. The cop asks Peter , „Hey buddy, are you aware that you’re exposing
Peter looks down sadly and moans, „OHHH GOD…they got my girlfriend too!!!“
On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his
ear, „Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!“ The driver didn’t think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, „Sir, I believe I was sexually
harassed!“ This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if
they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
„Excuse me, sir, could I help you?“
The elderly man looked up and said, „Well, sonny, you sure can. I’ve lost my toupee and I’m trying to find it. I thought I’d located it twice, but they were parted in
the middle, and mine’s parted on the side!“
A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, „I gotta have you!“
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and nailed her. When he finished he started putting his clothes back on and saw his wife still
writhing around against the door and he asked, „What’s wrong honey? Didn’t you come? Do you want more?“
His wife said, „No, no, it’s not that. I’m just trying to get the doorknob out of my ass.“
The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor: „As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until
you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, ‚I’m a Sperm.‘ She will
answer, ‚I’m the Egg.‘ From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?“ The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor
said, „Then, good luck!“
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He
knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower
pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says „Hi, I’m a sperm.“
The red sticky ball smiles and says „Hi. I’m a tonsil.“
It’s a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie rolls towards Pierre and whispers, „Pierre, kiss me!“ Deliberately, Pierre uncorks a bottle of Merlot from the picnic
basket and splashes it on Marie’s face and lips. „What are you doing, Pierre?“ splutters the startled Marie. „I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I
have red wine!“ So she smiles, a cute little smile, and they kiss, long, softly but ardently.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie sighs, „Pierre, kiss me lower.“ Our hero unbuttons her blouse, takes a bottle of Chablis and pours it over her firm young
white breasts. „Pierre! What are you doing now?“ asks the bewildered Marie. „I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!“ She
giggles, they resume their passionate interlude – and things really begin to get steamy.
Marie leans close to his ear and pants softly, „Pierre, kiss me much lower!“ Pierre rips off her lacy nickers, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her crotch, then
strikes a match and WHooooshhh!!!! she’s on fire. Marie shrieks, leaps to her feet and throws herself into the river.
Standing waist deep, she throws her arms in the air, shakes her fist and screams furiously, „PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?“
Our hero stands, twitching his moustache, and states proudly, defiantly, „I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in FLAMES!“
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that,
another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. „What’s all the screaming about
in there? You’re scaring the customers!“
„I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.“
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says… „You idiot!“ „You’re sitting on the mop bucket!
It’s 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes
in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree. She says, „I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m
bottomless.“ With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, „Momma needs a new pair of pants!“ She then begins jumping up and
down and hugging each of the dealers. „YES! WIN! I WIN!“ With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other
dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, „What did she roll anyway?“ The other answers, „I don’t know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!“
When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section
where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock
your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit
and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not
become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that *every
rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested. Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, „I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at
the Q-Tip Company.“
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading
straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he
blurts out, „Business trip or vacation?“ She turns, smiles and says, „Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago. Whoa!!! He swallows
hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here’s the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she’s going to a meeting of
nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, „What’s your business role at this convention?“ „Lecturer“, she says, „I use my experience
to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.“ „Really,“ he says, swallowing hard, „what myths are those?“ „Well,“ she explains, „one popular myth is that
African Americans men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish decent.“ Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. „I’m sorry,“ she
says, „I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!“
„Tonto“ the man says as he extends his hand. „Tonto Goldstein.“
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and
said to him, „I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.“
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said,
„Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!“
The young man waited a moment and replied, „You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had
long hair, and even Jesus had long hair….“ To which his father replied… „Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!“
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost
He couldn’t concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.
When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. „Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?“
„Why reverend.“ the young thing replied, „all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts.“
„Hmm. Well let me check,“ said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. „I don’t hear any angels
„Of course not reverend.“ she said. „You’re not plugged in yet.“
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. „Not yet,“ said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t
have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he
kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. „How come I don’t get any
eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?“ he asks. „Well,“ his mother says, „I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the
pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.“
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, „Are you going to tell him, or Should I?“
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she
loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it’s her husband, „Hi
hon,“he says „how do you like your new phone?“, she replies, „I just love it, it’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there’s one thing I don’t understand
though.“ „What’s that, baby?“ asks the husband.
„How did you know I was at WalMart?“
A well dressed car salesman went into a bar to quench his thirst after a long day. He sat down, ordered and began to drink his beer.
Almost immediately he heard a strange high-pitched voice say, „Nice tie!“
Looking around, he could not discover the source of the voice.
Next he heard, „Your taste in clothes is impeccable!“ The salesman’s eyes darted about the bar, searching. Nothing!
And shortly thereafter, „You are obviously a very intelligent man!“
Again he could not figure out who was talking or where the voice was coming from.
The salesman could not understand what was going on, so he called the bartender over and said, „I keep hearing voices! Where the hell are they coming from?“
The bartender smiled, „Oh, don’t let the voices bother you, sir… It’s just those complimentary peanuts.“
A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night. When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom.
The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large
stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf. Much later, after they had sex, he turned
to her and asked, „So … how was I?“
„Well,“ she said, „You can take anything from the bottom shelf.
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said „That’s no problem. How many do you want?“
The man answered, „Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces.“
The pharmacist said, „That won’t do you any good.“
The elderly gentleman said, „That’s alright. I don’t need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t piss on my
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, „I have a confession to make,
I’m not a virgin.“
The husband replies, „That’s no big thing in this day and age.“
The wife continues, „Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.“
„Oh yeah? Who was the guy?“
„Tiger Woods, the golfer?“
„Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.“
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
„What are you doing?“ asks the wife.
The husband says, „I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.“
„Tiger wouldn’t do that.“
„Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?“
„He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.“
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
„Now what are you doing?“ She asks.
The husband says, „I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.“
„Tiger wouldn’t do that.“
„Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?“
„He’d come back to bed and do it again.“
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and
starts to dial.
The wife asks, „Are you calling room service?“
„No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what’s par for this damn hole“.
A 12 year old boy comes home from school and walks into his parent’s room. Mom and dad are in bed making love. The boy asks, „What are you doing?“ His dad
replies, „Playing poker. Now get out of here.“ He goes to his older sister’s room to find his sister and her boyfriend in bed making love. The boy asks, „What are you
doing?“ His sister replies, „Playing poker. Now get out of here.“ He goes to his older brother’s room and finds his brother masturbating. He asks his brother, „What
are you doing?“ His brother replies, „Playing poker.“ The boy asks, „I thought that it takes two to play poker.“ His brother replies, „Not if you have a good hand.“
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He
drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would
really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, „It looks like you
blew a seal.“ „No, no,“ the penguin replies, „it’s just ice cream.“
A woman goes into a underwear shop to buy some undies. After choosing some skimpy panties, she turns to the owner and asks if it is possible to have something
printed on them.
He replies „Certainly madam, what would you like“
She says „If you can read this you’re to close“
He says „No problem, what font would you like“
She replies „Braille“
You know why President Clinton is having so much trouble deciding on what to do with Elian Gonzalez, the little cuban boy in America. Remember what happened
last time he tried to figure out what to do with a Cuban?
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all
over except his „thingie“. So, he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his
‚thingie,’which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the ‚thingie‘ sticking up over the sand, she began to
move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other lady, „There’s no justice in the world.“ The other lady asked what she meant.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I’m too old to squat.
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the
desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, „I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.“ The agent replied, „I’m sorry sir. I’ll be
happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.“ The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly,
so that the passengers behind him could hear, „Do you have any idea who I am?“ Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone. „May I have your attention please?“ she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. „We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT
KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.“
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!“ Without flinching, she smiled and
said, „I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that, too.“
A furious pounding in a hotel room in the middle of the night awakened a number of guests. The hotel
manager went to the room, and when his knocks went unanswered, he let himself in. He found an
elderly man cursing and banging on the wall with both fists.
„Stop that immediately, sir!“ the manager ordered. „You’re disturbing everyone in the hotel.“
„Damn the hotel and everyone in it!“ the elderly man hollered. „It’s the first erection I’ve had in years
and both my hands are asleep.“
At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 16, success is „gettin‘ a little.“
At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding.
At age 35, success is about career and family.
At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings.
At age 65, success is „gettin‘ a little.“
At age 90, success is not peeing in your pants.
This lady walks into a bar, slaps down her hand and raises her arm to expose her hairy armpit. She looks around the room and says, „Who will buy me a drink?“
Everyone is quiet, from the end of the bar a drunk man says, „Bartender, get this ballerina a drink.“
The bartender looks at him funny then gets the lady a drink. After she finished her drink, again she slaps down her hand and raises her arm to expose her hairy
armpit. She looks around again and says, „Who will buy me a drink?“
Still everyone is quiet. Again from the end of the bar the drunk says, „Bartender buy this ballerina a drink.“
This time the bartender comes down to the end of the bar and asks „Why do you keep calling this lady a ballerina?“
The drunk replies „If a lady can lift her leg that high then she should be called a ballerina!“
THE GOOD – THE BAD – AND THE UGLY!!!!
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
Good: Your wife’s not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She’s a lawyer
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: You give the „birds and bees“ talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: The postman’s early
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It’s another man
Ugly: He’s your best friend
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do
The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman. „No, honey,
I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold.“ She said she didn’t believe him so she called the bar. „Hello,“ she said, „I just
want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?“ To which she heard the
bartender say, „Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone.“
A man calls a lawyer and asks: „How much would you charge me to answer three questions?“
Lawyer: „Four hundred dollars.“
Man: „That’s a lot of money isn’t it?“
Lawyer: „I guess so. What’s your third question?“
More Funny Bumper Stickers:
· Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
· Keep honking, I’m reloading.
· Hang up and drive.
· Lord save me from your followers.
· Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
· I said „no“ to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
· Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
· If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
· Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
· Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The newly-hatched snake and the newly-born rabbit came face to face. Both were so young their eyes had not yet opened. Neither knew what the other was, so
they decided to feel each other and make a guess.
First the snake slithered over the rabbit and then concluded: „You have warm fur, whiskers and long ears. You must be a bunny.“
Then the rabbit ran its paws over the snake. „You are slippery and have no balls. You must be a politician.“
There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife „Mother of Six.“ His wife hated this name and asked him
repeatedly not to call her that. But he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.
One evening they were at a dinner party given by his company, and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled to his wife from
across the room, „Mother of Six, are you ready to go?“
Annoyed with his question, she yelled back, „In a minute, Father of Four!“
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he
finally gets in his car, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls
away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, „How is this possible?“
The guy says, „Tonight, I’m the designated decoy.“
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks,
tentatively, „Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?“
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, „No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!“ Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, „I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in
psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.“
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, „What do you mean $200?“
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, „I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.“ In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary
never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3
empty beer cans and $1,974.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed saying, „I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked in the box
under the bed. However, today the temptation was to much and I gave in. But now I need to know, Why do you keep the empty cans in the box?“
Bill thought of a while and said, „I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box
to remind myself not to do it again.“
Hillary was shocked, but thought to herself, „I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does
happen and I guess three times is not that bad considering the number of years we have been together…“
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, „So why do you have all that money in the box?“
Bill answered. „Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.“
A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl asked, „Do you wanna get undressed? We can play Doctor.“
The little boy replied, „That’s too old fashioned. Spit out your gum…I wanna play President!“
Two men sit drinking in the bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: „You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the
top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the
The bartender overhears this, and just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping down the bar.
The second man says: „What are you, a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen.“
The first man says: „No, it’s true, let me prove it to you.“
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens toward the street below.
When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window, where he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The second man tells him: „You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke.“
The first man says: „No, it isn’t. I’ll prove it again.“
And again, he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
The second man says: „Well, what the hell, it works, I’ll try it.“
He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th floor, 10th floor, 9th floor … and hits the sidewalk with a splat.
Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker and says: „You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.“
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror. This does little to help as she now continually stands in front of the mirror looking
at herself and asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up
with a suggestion. „If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds every day.“
Willing to try anything the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror rubbing it between her breasts. „How long will this take?“ she asks.
They’ll grow larger over a period of years,“ he replies. The wife stops. „Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make
my breasts grow over the years?“
The husband shrugs. „Why not? It worked for your butt, didn’t it?“
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
The doctor asked, „Do you enjoy it?“
She said that she did.
He asked, „Does it hurt you?“
She said that it didn’t.
The doctor then told her, „Well, then, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.“
The woman was mystified. She asked „You can get pregnant from anal sex?“
The doctor replied, „Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?“
„I’m ashamed of you,“ the mother said. „Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!“
„He threw a rock at me!“ the boy said. „So I threw one at him.“
The mother stated emphatically, „When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me.“
The boy quickly replied, „What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours.“
A market researcher called at a house and a young woman answered his knock, with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed he asked if she knew of his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he
mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. He askedher if she used it, and her answer was „Yes, we use it
when we have sexual intercourse.“
The interviewer was amazed. He said, „I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child’s bicycle chain, or
the gate hinge or some other purpose; but I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don’t like to say so. Since you’ve been so frank,
would you mind telling me exactly how you use it?“
„We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.“
„I’m ashamed of you,“ the mother said. „Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!“
„He threw a rock at me!“ the boy said. „So I threw one at him.“
The mother stated emphatically, „When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me.“
The boy quickly replied, „What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours.“
A state trooper pulled a car over on a lonely back road and approached the blonde lady driver. „Ma’am, is there a reason that you’re weaving all over the road?“
The woman replied, „Oh officer, thank goodness you’re here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left
and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!“
Reaching through the side window to the rear-view mirror, the officer replied, „Ma’am, that’s your air freshener.“
A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a
package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his
buddies over and they’re all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the
tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend’s dick. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the
load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, „By the way, I want a divorce.“
This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.
4. There is a river noted for its vicious crocodiles. How do you cross it?
Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning ability.
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the
side effects she was experiencing.
„Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never
grown hair before.“
The doctor reassured her. „A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?“
„On my balls.“
A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the
basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,… crying like a baby. „Honey, what’s
wrong?“, she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. „Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you
or to go to jail?“
„Yes, of course,“ she replied.
„Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!“
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to
pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, „This little plane won’t lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You’ll have to leave one. We’d
never make it over the trees on the take off.“
„That’s baloney!“ says one of the hunters. „Yeah,“ the other agrees, „you’re just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some
guts! He wasn’t afraid to take off!“
„Yeah“, said the first hunter, „and his plane wasn’t any bigger than yours!“
The pilot got angry, and said, „Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!“
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn’t have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped,
then broke up,scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, „Where are we?“
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, „I’d say… About a hundred yards further than last year.“
Two young boys are out hunting with their fathers when one of the boys says that he has to pee, the other
boy says that he has to pee too. So their fathers tell them to pee behind the same tree because animals can smell their scent and that they want to not spread it around. So, the boys start peeing when one of the boys looks at the others dick and notices that the other boy has no extra skin on it.
Boy 1:He says what happened to your dick, it doesn’t have extra skin on it?
Boy 2: Replies I got it circumcised when I was a baby.
Boy 1: Didn’t it hurt?
Boy 2: It sure did I couldn’t walk for a whole year.
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face Dave says „John what are you so happy for?“
„Well Dave, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin‘ my boat, just waxin‘ my boat, and a redhead came up to me… tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She
says „Can I have a ride in your boat?“ I said ‚Sure you can have a ride in my boat.‘ So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said ‚Its either screw or
swim!‘ She couldn’t swim, Dave, she couldn’t swim!!.“
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitten at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says „What are you so happy about
„Well Dave… I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin‘ my boat, just waxin‘ my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me… tits out to here, Dave, tits out to
here! She said ‚Can I have a ride in your boat?‘ „Sure you can have a ride in my boat.“ So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned
off the key and I said ‚Its either screw or swim!‘ She couldn’t swim!!, Dave, she couldn’t swim!!!!.“
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin over a beer. Dave says „John, what are you so sad for?“
„Well Dave, I gotta tell ya…. Yesterday I was out waxin‘ my boat, just waxin‘ my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me… tits WAY out to here,
Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says „Can I have a ride in your boat?“ „Sure you can have a ride in my boat. „So I took her
way out, Dave, way WAY out… much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said ‚Its either screw or swim!!‘. She pulled down her
pants…. she had a dick, Dave!!! She had a great BIG dick!!! And Dave, I CAN’T SWIM!!!“
A duck walks into a bar, and says to the bartender, „Do you got any grapes?“ The bartender replies, „No, I’m sorry, we only serve drinks here.“ The duck shrugs, and walks out of the bar.
The next day, the same duck came into the same bar, and says to the bartender, „Do you got any grapes?“ The bartender, a little annoyed, replies, „No, I told you yesterday, we only serve drinks here.“ Again, the duck shrugs, and walks out of the bar.
The third day, the duck walks into the bar, and says to the bartender, „Do you got any grapes?“ The bartender, now really annoyed, replies, „No, we don’t serve grapes here, only drinks and if you ask that question again I’m gonna nail your beak to the bar!!!“ For the third time, the duck shrugs, and walks out of the bar.
On the fourth day, the duck walks coolly into the bar, and says to the bartender, „Do you got any nails?“ The puzzled bartender replies „No.“ „Do you got any grapes?“
Bill was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. „The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.“ Bill was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, „That’s what I need, a new suit.“
He entered the shop and told the salesman, „I’d like a new suit.“
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, „Let’s see, size 44 long?“
Bill laughed, „That’s right, how did you know?“. „It’s my job.“ replied the salesman.
Bill tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, „How about a new shirt?“
Bill thought for a moment and then said, „Sure!“.
The salesman eyed Bill then said, „Let’s see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.“.
Bill was surprised, „That’s right, how did you know?“.
„It’s my job.“ came the familiar reply.
Bill tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. The salesman asked, „How about new shoes?“.
Bill was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Bill’s feet and said, „Let’s see, nine-and-a- half?“
Bill was astonished, „That’s right, how did you know?“.
„It’s my job.“ said the salesman again. Bill tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, „How about some new underwear?“
Bill thought for a second and said, „Sure, why not.“ The salesman stepped back, eyed Bill’s waist and said, „Let’s see, size 36.“
Bill laughed smugly, „No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.“
The shocked salesman shook his head, „You can’t possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!“
Four men had played golf together for two years. At the conclusion of the games, three of the men always showered together and then had a few drinks at the bar.
The fourth man would hurry home. One day one of the trio asked the fourth man, „Listen, how come you never stick around?“ The fourth man was uncomfortable.
„All right, I’ll tell you. I don’t stay because I don’t want to shower with you. I’m embarrassed because my penis is very small.“ The other man asked, „Does it work?“
„Sure, it works very well.“ „Well how would you like to trade it for one that looks good in the shower?“
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily. Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, „Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.“
„What!“ the coach says in a panic, „How far down does it go?“
She replies, „Down to my balls“.
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. „WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?“
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: „I had a terrible time with Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.“
„NO PROBLEM!“ says the Wizard, „WHO IS NEXT?“
Ronald Reagan steps forward, „Well..,Well.., Well.., I … think I need a brain“.
„DONE“ says the Wizard. „WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?“
Up steps George Bush sadly, „I’m told by the American people that I need a heart.“
„I’VE HEARD ITS TRUE.“ says the Wizard. „CONSIDER IT DONE.“
Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, „WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?“
„Is Dorothy around?“
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship. „How do you feel about sex?“ he asked, rather hopefully.
„Well, I’d have to say I like it infrequently,“ she responded.
The old guy paused….then he asked, „Was that one word or two?“
The President and Mrs. Clinton were in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them was taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leaned over
and whispered in the President’s ear. Mr. Clinton paused, then grabbed Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaved her over the railing. She fell 10 feet to the top of
the dugout, screaming obscenities. The President shook the hands of those near him and got high fives all around. The Secret Service agent leaned over again and
whispered, „Mr. President, I said it’s time to throw out the first pitch.“
The lady Elephant and the Male Mouse were very good friends. One day, they were strolling through the jungle when the elephant was suddenly captured by a huge
net. „Mouse! Mouse! Please help me!“ She cried. The mouse started gnawing, and soon had enough of the net nibbled away so the elephant could escape. As they
resumed their walk, the elephant told the mouse how grateful she was, and that if there was anything at all he wanted, he had only to ask. „Well,“ said the mouse, „I
have never had any Elephany pussy. Do you think that….?“ „No problem!“ laughed the elephant. „Go for it!“
Well, the mouse climbed up the elephant’s hind leg and began screwing away. A monkey in a palm tree next to them saw what was going on, and started to laugh
and jump up and down, dislodging some coconuts, which began to fall on the elephant’s head. At this, the elephant began to yell „Ow! Ouch! Oooh!“
The mouse, hearing this, cried“Take it ALL, bitch!“
Why did the condom fly across the room ??
He got pissed off.
You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultrahigh security, super secret base in Nevada, known simply as „Area 51?“
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their „secret“ base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying „you-did-not-see-a-base“ briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane. Only this time there were two people in the plane!
The same pilot jumped out and said, „Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and YOU have to tell her where I was last night!“
President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven. „And who might you be?“ inquires St. Peter.
„It’s me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World.“
„Oh…Mr. President! What may I do for you?“ asks St. Peter.
„I’d like to come in,“ replies Clinton.
„Sure,“ says the Saint. „But first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your Life?“
Clinton bites his lip and answers, „Well, I tried marijuana, but you can’t call it ‚dope smoking‘ because I didn’t inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital
relationships, but you can’t call it ‚adultery‘ because I didn’t have full ’sexual relations.‘ And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but
you can’t call it ‚bearing false witness‘ because, as far as I know, it didn’t meet the legal standard of perjury.“
With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares,“OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you somewhere hot, but we won’t call it ‚Hell.‘ You’ll be there
indefinitely, but we won’t call it ‚eternity.‘ And when you enter, you don’t have to ‚abandon all hope,‘ just hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.“
A couple gets married, and the girl’s mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt,
she goes running downstairs.
„Momma, Momma,“ she cries. „I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest!
I can’t make love to him, it’s disgusting!“
The mother says to her, „He’s your husband, you so what he wants you to. Now go back upstairs.“
When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother. „Momma, Momma! It’s terrible! He has hair all over
The mother tells the girl, „Look, he is your husband, you are his wife. You go back upstairs and do what he wants.“
The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. she looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs.
„Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half!“
„You stay here,“ says the mother. „I’ll go upstairs!“
He walks into their room and says to his wife „Notice anything different, Bessie?“
Bessie looks him over, „Nope.“
Sam says excitedly „Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?“
Bessie looks again, „Nope.“
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this
time, „Notice anything different?“
Bessie looks up and says „Sam, what’s different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.“
Furious, Sam yells, „And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!!“
Bessie replies „Should’a bought a hat, Sam.
Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN’T Say Out Loud In Victoria’s Secret:
10 Does this come in children’s sizes?
09 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
08 I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.
07 Mom will love this.
06 Oh the size won’t matter. She’s inflatable.
05 No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here.
04 Will you model this for me???
03 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
02 45 bucks?? You’re just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria’s Secret:
01 Oh, honey, you’ll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!!
A guy goes into the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him „Are you a veteran?“
The guy says „Why yes, in fact I served two tours in Vietnam.“
„Good,“ says the interviewer, „That counts in your favor.
Do you have any service related disabilities?“
The guy says, „In fact I am 100% disabled: during a battle an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn’t affect my ability to work,
„Sorry to hear about the damage but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8:00 to 4:00. Come on in about 10:00 and
we’ll get you started.“
The guy says „If working hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come at 10:00?“
„Well, here at the post office we don’t do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don’t need you here for that!“
A guy just died and he’s at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin‘ through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, ‚You know, I can’t see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you
never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-you’re in.‘ The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‚Yeah, there was this
one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure
enough, there they were, about 50 of ‚em harassing this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to
the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle
around me. So, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them,
‚Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!“
St. Peter, impressed, says, ‚Really? When did this happen?‘
‚Oh, about two minutes ago.‘
A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove
to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that
was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it. The body man decided to have a little fun and said, „Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard
and they might pop back out.“ She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.
She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. „What are you doing?“ she
shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide. „I’m blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these
dents out of my car,“ explained the first blonde.
„Well silly, it’s not going to work,“ replied her neighbor.
„Why not?“ asked the first blonde.
„Because you’ve got to roll up the windows first.“
A guy goes into the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him „Are you a veteran?“
The guy says „Why yes, in fact I served two tours in Vietnam.“
„Good,“ says the interviewer, „That counts in your favor.
Do you have any service related disabilities?“
The guy says, „In fact I am 100% disabled: during a battle an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn’t affect my ability to work,
„Sorry to hear about the damage but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8:00 to 4:00. Come on in about 10:00 and
we’ll get you started.“
The guy says „If working hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come at 10:00?“
„Well, here at the post office we don’t do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don’t need you here for that!“
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, „Nice bike you got
there. Did Santa bring that to you?“
The kid said, „Yeah.“
The cop said, „Well next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike.“ The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket. Before he rode off he said, „By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?“
Humoring the kid, the cop said, „Yeah, he sure did.“
The kid said, „Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.“
A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove
to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that
was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it. The body man decided to have a little fun and said, „Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard
and they might pop back out.“ She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.
She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. „What are you doing?“ she
shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide. „I’m blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these
dents out of my car,“ explained the first blonde.
„Well silly, it’s not going to work,“ replied her neighbor.
„Why not?“ asked the first blonde.
„Because you’ve got to roll up the windows first.“
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, „You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle.“
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and
said, „You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.“
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said, „You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother.“
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As it made its appearance it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, „Ma’am, have you ever slept
with a black man?“ She said, „Well, yes, but only once.“ „Once is all it takes“ he replied.
Then the torso appeared and it was yellow. „Ma’am, have you ever slept with an oriental man?“ the doctor asked. „Well, yes“ she said, „but only once.“ „Once is all
it takes,“ he said.
When the legs appeared they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian and she said, „only once“ and he replied that that was all it took.
Then the doctor held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry.
„Oh, thank God,“ she exclaimed „at least it doesn’t bark!“
A travelling salesman was driving down a country road, coming upon a farm when he noticed a pig standing by the gate to the farm. Something was different about
the pig and the salesman slowed down for a better look. As he got closer he noticed that the pig had a wooden leg. It was intricately carved. Someone had taken a
lot of time to make this leg for the pig. The salesman decided to drive up to the farmhouse to find out more about the pig with the wooden leg. The farmer came out
to meet him as he arrived at the house.
The salesman said, „I couldn’t help but notice your pig with the wooden leg. What ever happened that caused him to have a wooden leg?“
The farmer said, „That pig is a special pig to us. Yes sir, he’s really a special pig all right.“
The salesman asked, „What makes him such a special pig?“
The farmer explained, „Well, I guess he was just born that way, but that pig saved our lives. Our house caught on fire and that pig came up on the porch and banged
and banged on the door and grunted and made such a ruckus that he woke us up. He saved our lives. He sure is a special pig to us.“
„I see,“ said the salesman. „He sure is a special pig all right. I now can understand that, but how did he get the wooden leg?“
The farmer explains, „Now didn’t I tell you that pig was a special pig? Anyone knows that you don’t eat a special pig like that all at once!“
„I want my money back for this tape I rented,“ the blond told the man at the video rental counter.
„Was there a problem?“ he inquired.
„Yes, I rented it to turn on my boyfriend, but there’s nothing on it but static…“ she explained, turning the copy over to the counterman.
The movie was called „Head Cleaner.“
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After
conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a
knock at the door.
„Who is it?“ calls one of the nuns.
„Blind man,“ replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into
the room, they open the door.
„Nice boobs,“ says the man. „Where do you want the blinds?
At her daughter’s urging, Mrs. Ginsberg, age 75, went to see a gynecologist for the first time in her life. She answered the nurse’s questions and then was asked to
step behind a screen and remove her clothes so Dr. Kaplan could examine her.
At some point during the examination, Mrs. Ginsberg said, „Excuse me, Doctor. Can I ask you a question?“
„Certainly,“ the doctor replied.
„Tell me,“ she said. „Your mother knows that from this you make a living?“
A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped
together with duct tape.
The bartender asks the man: „What is wrong with your turtle?“
„Nothing“, the man responds, „This turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call
your dog. Before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.“
So the bartender, wanting to see this, calls his dog over (who was at the piano playing requests for tips). The bartender went to the other side of the bar and called
his dog. Then suddenly the guy picked up his turtle and threw it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall.
„Told you it’ll be there before your dog.“
Bashing both sexes:
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? — 45 lb.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? — 45 min.
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? — Sexual Harassment
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? — $3.99 a minute.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? — The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead? — The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme? — Humpme Dumpme.
What’s it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? — Marriage
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? — None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart? — Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What have men and floor tiles got in common? — If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? — Because those men already have boyfriends.
What is a man’s view of safe sex? — A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry? — „Filthy“ and „Filthy but wearable“
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? — After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? — The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde? — A golden retriever.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? — The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? — The woman who ate the last donut.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? — A battery has a positive side.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts? — The blonde, because she’s 18.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? — When you take it off you wonder where the breast went.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? — Two mothers-in-law.
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he
says to his new wife, „Honey, I’ll be right back…“ „Where are you going coochy cooh…?“ asked the wife.
„I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.“
The wife says to him, „You want a beer my love?“ Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different
countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, „Yes, loolie loolie…but the bar…. you know…the frozen glass…“
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, „You want a frozen glass puppy face?“ She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so
frozen that she was getting chills holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, says, „Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really
delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?“
„You want hors d’oeuvres poochi pooh?“
She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
„But sweet honey…at the bar…you know…the swearing, the dirty words and all that…“
„You want dirty words cutie pie?…HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS,
BECAUSE YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!“
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to
accumulate the building materials for his home. She read. „…And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‚Pardon me sir, but may
I have some of that straw to build my house?'“ The teacher paused then asked the class, „And what do you think the man said?“ One little boy raised his hand and
said, „I know…he said, ‚Holy Shit! A talking pig!'“
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?
Which is the other side of the street?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don’t they call mustaches „mouthbrows“?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and gets a glass of water from the bartender. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six glasses later, and he
has recovered enough to speak. „Thanks,“ he croaks.
„That’s one hell of a thirst you’ve got,“ says the bartender.
The guy says, „Any man would be as bad if they’d just had sex with the woman in my car. She’s insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all
again, but I can’t.“
„Where’s your car?“ the bartender asks.
„At the roadside,“ the guy gasps.
„Tell you what,“ says the bartender, „you watch the bar for me while I go out and take your place.“
„Be my guest, the broad’s a nympo. She’ll do anybody.“
So the bartender goes outside and gets in the car. It’s totally dark, so the woman doesn’t realize she’s with a different man. They get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there’s a knock on the window. It’s a cop and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple.
„What’s going on here?“ he asks.
„It’s all right, officer,“ explains the bartender. „She’s my wife.“
„Oh, sorry sir, I didn’t realize…“
„Neither did I till you switched on that damned light.“
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete’s performance. In fact, men have
known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, „Oops, gotta run!“
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, „You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve
been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house,
I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!“
His buddy looks at him and says, „Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door,storm up the steps, throw my shoes
into the closet, jump into bed,slap her on the butt and say, ‚You as horny as I am?‘ . . . and, she’s always sound asleep!“
A retired gentleman went into the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. „Will I
have to go home and come back now?“ he asks.
The woman says, „No, just unbutton your shirt.“
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair on his chest.
She says, „That is proof enough for me,“ and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She said, „You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for Disability, too.“
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer
climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, „I shot a duck and it fell into this field,
and now I’m going to retreive it.“
The old farmer replied, „This is my property, and you are not coming over here.“
The indignant lawyer said, „I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.“
The old farmer smiled and said, „Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.“
The lawyer asked, „What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?“ The Farmer replied, „Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back
and forth, until someone gives up.“
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and
dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly
caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, „Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!“
The old farmer smiled and said, „No, I give up. You can have the duck!“
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, „When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads,
‚Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever‘.“
„Yeah“ she replies, „When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, „Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.“
This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, „My friends, I’d like to share my
healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you.“
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband
approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.
With a frown his wife says, „Ernest, he’s talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.“
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, „Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?“
Mabel answered, „I have? A suppository?“ She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, „Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.“
A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her-knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the man.The note read: „For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.“
WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: „Just so you know — I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back.“
At the movie theater Bubba noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see
she had both hands under her skirt and was frigging herself furiously.
Bubba moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so Bubba
started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her
go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn’t I good enough?“ Bubba asked sheepishly.
„Great,“ she said, „but these crabs are still itching!“
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.. Bill, the WalMart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
An farmer and his wife were on their first ocean cruise. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, So the captain sent the farmer back to Nebraska with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the farmer received a fax from the boat. It read: Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside there was a pearl worth $50,000…please advise.
The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and rebait the trap.
A pilot got on the loudspeaker shortly after takeoff and said to the passengers, „Folks, welcome aboard flight seven eighty-nine to Cleveland. We’ll be flying at thirty-five-thousand feet, and expect to land in an hour and a half. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight.“ Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he turned to his copilot, yawned, and said, „Why don’t you take over for a while? I’m going to take me a big healthy shit, and then I’m gonna fuck the brains outta that pretty blonde flight attendant working in coach.“
His announcement went over the whole plane. The pretty blonde flight attendant in coach heard this and exclaimed, „Oh my God!“ and started running towards the
An old lady sitting in an aisle seat stopped her and said, „Relax honey, he’s gotta take a shit first.“
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus‘ first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him „How dare you touch my body!! I don’t even know who you are!! “ At this the Texan drawled “ Well ma’am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.“
A most distinguished looking lady walks into a tattoo parlor, and sits down. The owner, amazed at seeing such a sophisticated woman in his seedy tattoo shop, goes over to the woman immediately and asks if he could help her. To his shock, and utter delight, she lifts her designer dress, and points to her left inner thigh…very high up…. “ Right here,“ she says, „I want you to tattoo a turkey with the word ‚Thanksgiving‘ under it.“ Then she points to her right inner thigh… just as high up, and says, „On this side, I want you to tattoo a Christmas tree, with lights and tinsel, and an angel on top, and underneath the tree I want the word ‚Christmas‘. The tattoo artist looks at her puzzled. He says, “ Lady it’s none of my business, but that is the most unusual request I have ever had. Why in the world would you want that ?“
„Well,“ the lady said, “ I am sick and tired of my husband always complaining that there is never anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.“
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, „I am a history buff, and I
would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed.“
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were
hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in.
„What the hell is this?“ screamed the billionaire.
„Why, that’s exactly what you asked for,“ said the artist smugly.
„No! I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts!“
„And there you have it,“ said the artist. „I call it, ‚Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians.'“
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and
found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, „Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look
into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void
of nothingness for all eternity!“ The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, „I think I’m the most beautiful of us three“ and in an
instant she was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped up and said „I think I’m the most talented of us three“ and she suddenly found the keys to a
brand new Lexus in her hands. Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, „I think…“ and was promptly
sucked into the mirror.
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer
was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
„Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeemer!!!“, he whined.
„You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!“ retorted the officer, „You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left
arm was ripped off!!!“
„Oh my gaaad….“, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, „Where’s my Rolex???!!!!!“
A little boy sits on Santa’s lap. Santa says „I bet I know what you want for Christmas,“ and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells
The little boy thinks a second and says, „No, I have enough toys.“
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, „C-A-N-D-Y.“
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, „No, I have all kinds of candy.“
„Well what would you like for Christmas?“ Santa asks.
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, „P-U-S-S-Y, and don’t tell me you don’t have any because I can smell it on your finger!“
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight
around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that
were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, „Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?“
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, „Well yeah, if that’s what they are-I never heard of circle flies.“
So the farmer says, „Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a
The trooper says, „Oh,“ and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, „Hey . . . wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?“
The farmer says, „Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses‘ ass.“
The trooper says, „Well, that’s a good thing,“ and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, „Hard to fool them flies, though.“
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles, the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, „Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?“.
He says, „You see, it’s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!“
WHAT A WOMAN SAYS:
„This place is a mess! C’mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you’ll have no clothes to wear if we don’t do laundry right now!“
WHAT A MAN HEARS:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an english speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.
„Excuse me,“ the husband says, „could you tell us the time?“
„Absolutely“, replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and grabs the donkey’s balls. „It is 3:00“, the man exclaims.
„Thank you“ replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way. After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to
the old man for the time. Again the elderly man grabs the donkey by the balls and says „It is now 4:45.“
By this time the husband is completely amazed. „Please show me how you can tell the time simply by grabbing this donkey’s balls!“
„Certainly,“ the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer.
„Sit here where I am,“ the man begins.
„Now, do you see the donkey’s balls?“
„Of course“, the man replies.
„Now reach down and take them into your hand.“
Hesitantly the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening experience.
„Now, slowly lift the donkey’s balls“, he continues. Again the husband does as he is instructed.
„Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs.“
The husband does just that.
„Now“ the man says, „can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?
A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. ‚I want to bury my
face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits‘ he says.
‚You dirty git‘ shouts the barmaid ‚get out before I get my husband.‘ The bloke
apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and
asks him again what he wants.
‚I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse
and lick it all off‘ he says.
‚You dirty filthy pervert. You’re banned. Get out!!‘ she storms. Again, the
bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.
‚One more chance‘ says the barmaid. ‚Now – what do you want?‘
‚I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with
Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup‘ The barmaid is
furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who’s sitting
quietly watching the telly.
‚What’s up love?‘ he asks
‚There’s a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick
the sweat off‘, she says.
‚I’ll kill him. Where is he?‘ storms the husband.
‚Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it
off‘ she screams.
‚Right. He’s dead‘ says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
‚Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and
then drink it all‘ she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and Switches the
telly back on.
‚Aren’t you going to do something about it?‘ she cries hysterically
‚Look love. I’m not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness…‘
There were two friends. One evening, they were in a bar arguing over which of
them could have sex the most times in one night. They decided to settle the
issue by going to the local whorehouse for the evening. So they got to the whorehouse,
paired off with a couple of the ladies, and went to their respective rooms.
The first guy energetically balled his whore and, reaching up with a pencil,
marked a line on the wall. Then he fell asleep. He woke up in a couple of hours
and screwed the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically. Again, he
reached back and marked a line on the wall. Again, he fell asleep. He woke up
again in a couple of hours and lethargically humped the hooker again. He drowsily marked a
third line on the wall and fell asleep for the rest of the night.
The next morning, his friend barged into the room to see how he did. He took one
look at the wall and exclaimed, „A hundred and eleven? Damn! You beat me by
An extremely shy and very modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests,
the last of which had left his digestive system upset. Upon making several
false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided that the latest was another false
alarm, so he stayed put in his bed. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and
was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of
mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started
yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in
a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets,
a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, „What
was that all about?“
Still staring down at his feet, the drunk replied: „I think I just beat the shit
out of a ghost!“
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land.
The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, „Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will
have to wade across the Jordan River.“
As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, „Don’t worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you
have sinned the more you will sink into the water.“
The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River. Finally George W.
Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to
sweat, thinking that all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked
an eternity, he began to emerge on the river’s bank.
As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he
saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, „I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a
friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!“
Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, „I’m standing on Clinton’s shoulders!“
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, „My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we
were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.“
„And what’s the moral of the story?“ asked the teacher.
„Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!“
„Very good,“ said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised and hand and said, „Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they
hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.“
„That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?“
„Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the
machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
„Good heavens,“ said the horrified teacher, „what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?“
„Don’t mess with Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.“
In every romantic relationship there comes a time to meet the parents. The stress of wondering if they will like and accept you can lead to embarrassing
misstatements. To help you avoid some of the most common conversational pitfalls I’ve compiled a list of the Top Ten things not to say to your girlfriend’s parents
when you meet them for the first time:
10. Gee, Pops, you’re not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said you are.
8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.
7. You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.
6. No… No… It’s OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.
5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne?
4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I’m Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the midget is Sam. Is Sally ready?
3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I’m waiting out hear! Send the bitch out!
2. You should be proud, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, you’ve raised a good girl. I can’t get her to blow me no matter what I say.
And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your boy or girlfriend’s parents for the first time:
1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that, I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father.
A nurse is doing her rounds on the psychiatric ward one night. On her first round she stops to check on Dave, who is sitting on the end of the bed holding on to an
imaginary steering wheel. The nurse says, „Dave, what are you doing?“ He replied, “ I’m driving to Chicago!“ The nurse smiles and moves on.
Later in the evening, she rounds again to find Dave still sitting on the edge of his bed, ‚driving‘; then abruptly makes a gear-shift move and stops. The nurse asks,
„Dave, what are you doing now?“ Dave replies, „I’m in Chicago!“ The nurse smiles and continues her rounds.
Across the hall, the nurse walks in on Rob and is horrified to see him sitting on the edge of his bed, masturbating. She exclaims, „Rob! What are you doing?!“ Rob
grins and says „I heard Dave’s out of town, so I’m fucking his wife!“
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend, (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked „How
would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days?“
„That would suit me just fine!!“ the man said.
Monday went by, and the man didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he
could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF
MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks „What may we do for you, my son?“
He answers „I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.“
„Very well, my son. Please follow me.“
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man „Please knock on this door.“ He does as he
is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs „Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large
wooden door at the end of this hallway.“ He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the
door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case on sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor „is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?“ So the doctor says „yes, I’ll prescribe you some Viagra“.
„Viagra“ says the poor guy, “ how will that help my sunburn?“.
„It won’t help your sunburn much“ says the doctor, „but at least it’ll keep the sheets off it!“
A traveling salesman’s car breaks down on a deserted road, and he seeks refuge from the evening storm at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer, being a kindly soul, says to the man that he can spend the night and they’ll sort his car out in the morning.
„There’s only one small problem,“ says the farmer, „We don’t have much room, so y’all will have to either sleep on the couch, or share the spare bedroom with Baby.“
Thoughts of middle-of-the-night crying, early-morning nappy changing and all those other unpleasant things that come with sharing a room with a strange baby spring to mind, so the salesman agrees to sleep on the couch.
The next morning, he walks into the kitchen in the hopes of scoring some breakfast, and he sees this absolutely stunning, longlegs redhead, dressed in just a silk negligee, busy making coffee.
She turns around when he walks in and coos: „Hi, I’m Baby, who are you?“
He replies: „I’m the stupid @!*&@#$ who just spent the whole of last night alone on the couch!!“
An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all that the „accidents“ that evolution had created. „What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!“, he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw strike him. At that instant the atheist cried, „Oh my God!….“
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “ You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?“
The atheist looked directly into the light, “ It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?“
„Very well“ said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
…and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed its head and spoke: „Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful
A man and an ostrich went into a bar. The man ordered a beer and the ostrich said, „I’ll have one too.“
The bartender said, „That’ll be $2.50.“ The man put his hand in his pocket, came out with exact amount.
The next day they came in again, the man ordered beer, the ostrich said, „Me too.“
The bartender said ,“That’ll be $2.50.“ The man put his hand in his pocket and came out with exact amount and walked out.
The next day they’re in yet again. The man said I’ll have a scotch. The ostrich said, „Me too.“ The bartender said, „That’ll be $8.50.“ The man put his hand in his pocket, and out came the exact amount.
The bartender asked, „How do you do that? Every time it’s the exact amount.“
The man said, „I found a bottle on the beach and a genie came out and said I could have what a wanted, so I told him I wished for all I could drink and have the right amount to pay for it.“
The bartender said, „Yeah, but what about the ostrich ?“
„Oh,“ replied the man, „I also asked for a chick with long legs.“
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, „Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?“
The other guy says, „Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, ‚I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh,‘ I accidentally said, ‚I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’……….. so she socked me a good one.“
The first guy replied, „Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, ‚Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.‘ But I accidentally said, ‚You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch.'“
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
„I’m afraid I have some very bad news,“ the doctor says. „You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.“
„Oh, that’s terrible!“ says the man. „How long have I got?“
„Ten,“ the doctor says sadly.
„Ten?“ the man asks. „Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!“
An old man in his nineties, and an elderly lady, living in a nursing home finds each other and begin a relationship. Every day at the same time, they meet to watch
television together. She brings a nice blanket, and as they watch TV she holds his dick in her hand. This goes on for quite sometime. One morning, the guy doesn’t
show up on time and the old lady is very worried. She begins to think the worst, and is so afraid of the possibility of his death, that she has trouble getting up and
checking on him. As the other old people in the room start to look at her, she begins to get embarrassed and knows she has to go and check on him to see if he is
sick, or even alive. She packs her blanket and slowly meanders down the hallway to his room. Tentatively, she knocks on the door and waits. Eventually, the door
opens and the old man is just fine. She takes a sigh a relief and asks where he was for their usual meeting (to watch TV and hold his dick).
He tells her, „Well, to be honest, I have found another woman.“
Shocked and hurt, she asks, „I she younger than I am?“
„No, she is also about 90.“
„Well, is she prettier than I am?“ she asks.
„No, you are prettier than she is.“ he responds.
Digging deeper, she asks, „Does she carry on better conversation than I do“?
„No, she doesn’t talk much.“ he tells her.
Confused about it all and dumbfounded by his answers, she asks the age old question; „Then what does she have that I don’t?“
His answer: „Parkinson’s“
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her
cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: „What’s that?“
Lady 2: „A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.“
Lady 1: „Where did you get it?“
Lady 2: „You can get them at any drugstore.“
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of
strangely (she is, AFTER all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: „Listen Sonny, it doesn’t matter as long as it fits a camel.“
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of
gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom’s and bought a pair of
white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got
the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
„I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen
the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair
she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them
on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow
in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.“
A woman is walking along the road with a duck under her arm. A man approaches and inquires „Hey, where are you going with that pig?“
The woman replies „This is a duck.“
With that the man says „I know. I was talking to him!“
There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds the
commander looks at the captain and says, „Wait a minute. You haven’t shown me that small blue building over there. What’s that used for?“
The captain says, „Well sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel.“
„Enough!“ says the commander in disgust.
Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the captain and says, „Tell me something, Captain.“ Lowering his voice
and glancing around, he asks, „Is the camel free anytime soon?“
The captain says, „Well, let me see.“ He opens up his book. „Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o’clock.“
The commander says, „Put me down for two o’clock then.“
So the next day at two o’clock the commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he’s ever seen. Right next to
the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins
to have sex with the camel. A minute later the captain walks in.
„Ahem, begging your pardon, sir,“ says the captain, „but wouldn’t it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?“
A guy brings a raccoon home , tells his wife it’s a pet .
She asks , „Where are you going to keep it?“
He repies , „In the bedroom.“
„But what about that horrible nasty smell?‘ , she asks.
„fuck it , I got used to you , he will too ! !“
An Idiot’s Guide To Sex
1. IN-> OUT<- *Repeat as often as possible*
2. A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.
3. If she says „doggy style“, then DO NOT whip down to the local S.P.C.A.
4. Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.
5. If your stomach hurts it is not an orgasm, more likely indigestion or appendicitis.
6. A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that’s a pawn shop.
7. If your wife tells you sex is a ‚pain in the ass,‘ turn her over.
8. A threesome does not mean letting the dog watch you use both hands.
9. Kama Sutra is not a martial art, therefore don’t tell your lover that you have a black belt in it.
10. Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.
Three Labrador retrievers – a brown, yellow and black – are sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, „So why are you here?“ The brown lab replies, „I’m a pisser, I piss on everything – the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the
kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.“ The black lab says, „So what is the vet going to do?“
„Gonna give me Prozac,“ came the reply from the brown lab. „All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything,“
He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, „Why are you here?“ The yellow lab says, „I’m a digger, I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell
of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner’s couch.“ „So what are they going to do to
you?“ the black lab inquired. „Looks like Prozac for me too,“ the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he’s at the vet’s office for. „I’m a humper,“ the black lab says, „I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow,
the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want too hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and
I couldn’t help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away. The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, „So, Prozac for you too, huh?“
The black lab says, „No, I’m here to get my nails clipped.“
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a
figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the
back seat. „Where to?“ he stammered.
„Union Station,“ answered the woman.
„You got it,“ he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, „Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?“
The driver replies, „Well ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.“
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, „Does this answer your question?“
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, „Got anything smaller?“
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said,
„Your first job will be to sweep out the store.“
„But I’m a college graduate!!“ the young man replied indignantly.
„Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,“ said the manager. „Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.“
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the
following conversation ensues:
* Honey, It’s me.
* Are you at the club?
* Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat… It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?
* What’s the price?
* Only $1,500.00
* Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…
* Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good
price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…
* What price did he quote you?
* Only $96,000…
* OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
* Great! Before we hang up, something else…
* What? * It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked
at last year … It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property…
* How much are they asking?
* Only $450,000… a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…
* Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?
* OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!
* Bye… I do too…
The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?
A man and wife wake up one morning shortly before Christmas. The woman says „Wow! I just had the most incredible dream. I dreamt of a huge christmas tree, but
instead of the usual decorations, it was all hung with penises. Big penises, small penises, pink penises, black penises… but right on top was the most perfect penis I
have ever seen!“
„Let me guess,“ Says the husband, „That penis on top was mine, right?“
„No, it wasn’t. I’m not sure whose it was, but it sure wasn’t yours!“
„Well, I had an incredible dream last night, too.“ Said the husband. „I dreamt of a huge Christmas tree as well, but instead of the usual decorations, it was covered in
pussies! Big pussies, small pussies, pink pussies, Asian pussies, red pussies… but on top was the most perfect pussy I have ever seen!“
„And that pussy was mine, right?“ Asked the wife
„No, yours was holding up the tree!“
A message from Santa:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current
population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209, and I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.
However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is
from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: „These toys insured by
Smith and Wesson.“
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a
pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus‘ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin‘ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and
Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear „On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen …“ when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, „On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.“
5. „Ho, ho, ho!“ has been replaced by „Yee Haw!“ And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, „I her’d dat!“
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus‘ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words „Back Off.“ The last I heard it
also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa
Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as“Miracle on 34th Street“ and „It’s a Wonderful Life“ will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll
see „Boss Hogg Saves Christmas“ and „Smokey and the Bandit IV“ featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like „Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer“ and Bing Crosby’s „Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.“ This
year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt’s „Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox“;
Cledus T. Judd’s „All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack“, and Hank Williams Jr.’s „If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It.“
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red, orange, blue,
and yellow. The old man just stared. The young man said, „What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?“
The old man replied, „Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.“
A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents‘ house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a
fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort in her tummy, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli and cheese casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. She is afraid to excuse herself to go to the restroom, for fear that if she moves, a gigantic fart will escape while she
is walking across the room. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had
been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, „Skippy!“.
The woman thought, „This is great!“ and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, „Damn it, Skippy!“
Once again the woman smiled and thought „Yes!“. A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart
that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, „Damn it Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!“
A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud; „Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?“
The parrot says, „I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot“.
„Holy shit“, the bloke replies. „You actually understood and answered me!“
„I got every word“, says the parrot. „I happen to be highly intelligent & thoroughly educated.“
„Oh yeah?“, the bloke asks, „Then how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?“
„Well“, the parrot says, „this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my penis around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my
„Wow“ says the guy, „you really can understand and speak English, can’t you!“
„Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m
especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.“
The bloke looks at the $200 price tag. „Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.“
„Pssssssst“ says the parrot, „I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!“
The bloke offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathises, and he’s insightful. The bloke is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes „Psssssssssssst“ and motions him over with one wing.
„I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.“
„What are you talking about?“ asks the bloke.
„When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately.“
„WHAT???“ the bloke asks incredulously. „THEN what happened?“
„Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over“ reported the parrot.
„My God!“ the bloke exclaims. „Then what?“
„Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down….“
„WELL???“ demands the frantic bloke, „THEN WHAT HAPPENED?“
„F*** knows, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!“